Jan 9, 2015 - So I ripped it up into a jillion bite-sized livid-with-rage little pieces, that's what I did. And ... All
Watching the Audience __________________________
By Kara Cutruzzula
09.01.15
THE SETTING: A New York theater. Fancy, huh? Except, this is the section behind the orchestra section. This is standing room only. Present day.
THE CHARACTERS: VIOLET Seventies, female. A woman of impeccable taste and talent. BRANDY Twenties, female. A woman whose taste and talent are still a work in progress. NICE GUY Thirties, male.
SCENE ONE VIOLET, 70s, stands propped against a long velvet partition, purse at her feet. Two empty chairs are downstage. BRANDY, 20s, enters. She’s talking on the phone, juggling her Playbill and ticket, and trying to check her seat number all at once. BRANDY (into phone) Hostile? It is not hostile to call someone if they’re ignoring your texts. (pause) Fine, maybe it is a little aggressive. (pause) I tried to scalp your ticket outside, but this is Broadway. No one buys things secondhand. She stands next to Violet at her “seat.” This is the standing room section of the theater. BRANDY (into phone) So I ripped it up into a jillion bite-sized livid-with-rage little pieces, that’s what I did. And you had better Venmo me after I hang up on you. (pause) Of course I still expect you to pay for your ticket. This was your idea. (pause) No, I don’t think I’ll be coming over tonight. (pause) Netflix added season three? Fine, I’ll see how late this goes. Bye. Brandy hangs up, sets down purse, gets comfortable at her perch, and realizes her conversation was probably just overheard. Awkward pause. VIOLET Fancy meeting you here!
2. BRANDY (who, me?) Pardon? VIOLET Sorry, that’s just the way I say hello sometimes. It always gets a laugh. (pause) Today is the exception. BRANDY Oh. Ha-ha. Yes, today’s proving to be the exception in many ways. I’m not typically stood up for a standing-room-only date. If I weren’t so upset, I’d make a joke about that. VIOLET I think you just did. BRANDY You’re right. (checking phone) And two whole minutes before the show. Hitting the bottom of the well of douchebaggery with this one. VIOLET Douche...baggery? I’m not familiar with that term. BRANDY Rascal? Scoundrel? Louse? You get the picture. (peering forward, past the real audience) Wow, this is actually not a bad view, huh? VIOLET It’s just lovely. Long as my knees hold out. BRANDY I figured at this price we’d be up in the nosebleeds. VIOLET The last time I did standing room was to see The Music Man. I was 24. BRANDY (teasing) I didn’t realize they revived it last year. VIOLET (laughs) Yes. Aren’t you sweet.
3. BRANDY (gesturing to stage) I hear Helen’s terrific. VIOLET First name basis, are you? BRANDY We go way back. She turns off and puts away her phone. BRANDY Do you stand here often? See, that’s my small-talk opening line. VIOLET About three or four times a week. BRANDY (impressed) Whoa-ho. What have you seen lately? VIOLET There was The Heidi Chronicles earlier this week. BRANDY What’d you think? Isherwood practically blew his load over it. VIOLET Goodness. Well, yes, his load might well have been blown. My mind certainly was. That Mad Men girl... BRANDY Elisabeth Moss? VIOLET Yes, thank you. She was quite good, but oh, they made her so dowdy. BRANDY Her hair was flat as an IHOP pancake. VIOLET In the poster they put her in that tight red dress with her boobs out. I thought, well, good, here’s a new kind of role for her—
4. BRANDY But she was Peggy all over again. VIOLET We all have parts we’re born to play. Pause. BRANDY (motioning to their section) Anything else you take a stand on? VIOLET Usually only politics. Today I turned on the TV and wondered why this country is willfully entering into a long, gruesome, misogynistic, racist, national nightmare. No one even watched The Apprentice. And now we’re choosing to give that Mr. Trump a soapbox sixty feet tall? It’s absurd. BRANDY (amused) Anything else you need to get off your chest? VIOLET I apologize. He just gets me so hot. BRANDY Not hot-hot? VIOLET Goodness, no, not in that way. All that hot air seeps from his big dumb mouth. BRANDY (laughs) You’re safe here. Not a single screen — TV, cellphone, tablet — to be found. Patti LuPone made sure of that. VIOLET Doesn’t standing back here make you feel like you’ve snuck in? BRANDY I still can’t believe you can see a show for thirty-five bucks. When I went this morning to pick up tickets for this guy I’m allegedly seeing, the woman in front of me paid threehundred-and-twenty-five. Each.
5. VIOLET We might as well be outlaws. What a team. You’ve heard of Bonnie and Clyde. BRANDY Thelma and Louise. VIOLET Cagney and Lacey. BRANDY Taylor and Lena. (as explanation) Swift and Dunham. They’re best friends. The lights begin to dim. BRANDY Here we go. VIOLET Showtime, Thelma. The lights dim very low as their play is in progress. They look out at the audience. Long pause. The lights snap back. Intermission. The women look at each other. BRANDY Wow. VIOLET I’m never lost for words. Never. In fact, my husband even gave me a nickname. Jabberwocky. Because I’m always going on. He said it lovingly, of course. But now I can hardly speak. This is so good. My, “good,” really? That’s the best I can do? BRANDY Helen’s terrific. VIOLET She’ll win, for sure.
6. BRANDY And those corgis. VIOLET So well-behaved. BRANDY In-bred? VIOLET Surely. BRANDY But still. VIOLET Adorable. BRANDY What do you think she’s like? VIOLET Helen or the Queen? Or both? At this point, they’re hardly distinguishable. BRANDY Both. Can you imagine having all those eyes — three hundred or three hundred million — on you all the time? VIOLET I can imagine. BRANDY (turns to look at her) Please tell me I’m next to royalty. Are you, like, the accentless Duchess of Des Moines or something? VIOLET Hate to break it to you, but I’ve never even been to Iowa. But I was... am... used to be an actress. Summerstock. Off-Broadway. That sort of thing. BRANDY That’s fantastic. VIOLET That reminds me. I also saw Wolf Hall last week. Rylance. What a man. Many, many moons ago, I actually performed with him. My husband did too.
7. BRANDY Your husband’s an actor? What a dream team. VIOLET He was, yes. We were in many shows together. So many. BRANDY That must have been— VIOLET It was...marvelous. A NICE GUY, 30s, stands up in the front row of the audience’s theater and climbs onstage (to their theater) in a rush. NICE GUY Hi. Sorry. Hello. Would you two like to sit? VIOLET (as if this is a foreign concept) Sit? NICE GUY We’ve unfortunately got to leave now. Our seats will be open. (points to the two empty chairs sitting in front of them) Might be nicer than standing. VIOLET Oh, how wonderful. BRANDY Thank you. You’re such a nice guy. With the air of two lottery winners, the women grab their purses and move to their new seats. VIOLET (conspiratorial) I would have been fine, but my knees really aren’t what they used to be. BRANDY Orchestra seats! The universe provides. The lights begin to dim.
8. BRANDY Your husband will be envious of our new proximity to Dame Mirren. VIOLET He certainly would. (pause) When he was sick I didn’t go to the theater for many years. But now... BRANDY Now? VIOLET Now, like I said, I’m here all the time. He died three years ago. I think I’m a little obsessed. The lights dim more. BRANDY I’m so sorry. You’ve seen quite a bit then. VIOLET More than I can remember. (pause) Here we go. BRANDY Showtime, Louise. The lights dim very low as their play is in progress. They look out at the audience. Long pause. The lights snap back. The women are on their feet giving a standing ovation. VIOLET How fabulous was that? BRANDY One of the best I’ve seen this year. They begin to gather their things.
9. VIOLET Well, it was such a lovely time— BRANDY If you ever need someone to watch theater with— Oh, what is your name? Last name? VIOLET It’s quite hard to pronounce. BRANDY Try me. I was a national Spelling Bee champ. Did I say national? I meant regional. Fine. Second place at my middle school. But still. VIOLET (laughs, spelling slowly and endlessly) T-E-R-G-H-W-R-A-D-E-N-I-V-E-T-P-E-R-T BRANDY (aghast) I hope you had a stage name. VIOLET (reaches out to pat her forearm) You can call me Violet. BRANDY Hi, Violet. I’m Brandy. They walk behind the chairs and look at them. VIOLET What a treat. BRANDY The best. VIOLET (points left) I’m going this way. BRANDY (points right) And I’m thatta way. Brooklyn, you know. VIOLET I read the Styles section. I know all about it.
10. BRANDY (half-joking) Sorta funny, don’t you think? I rarely say goodbye to strangers. VIOLET Oh dear, we just watched magic happen. We’re no longer strangers. They clasp hands. BRANDY See you at the next one, perhaps. VIOLET Save you a seat. Violet smiles, slowly exits left. Brandy smiles, then turns on her phone. She’s surprised to see an incoming phone call. She picks up. BRANDY (into phone) Hi, Grandpa! What a surprise. I just saw the most marvelous play. Do you want to hear about it? Fade to black. END OF PLAY
