091615_I Have the Best Followers

I HAVE THE BEST FOLLOWERS by Kara Cutruzzula

09.16.15

EXT. BUSY RESTAURANT - DAY Power lunches in progress. PETRA (20s), an overly made-up brunette with a blowout, and PAUL (20s), whose loud clothes make up for his small stature, are eating outdoors. PETRA I could fuck this chicken paillard, it’s so good. Paul reaches over for a bite. PAUL Must be. You never go for white meat. PETRA I have my exceptions. Clearly.

PAUL

PETRA I’m telling everyone to come here. PAUL Who’s “everyone” these days? PETRA (scrolling through phone) Six million four hundred thousand and twelve. And counting. PAUL Not that you are. PETRA They are the sweetest. Yesterday I tweeted something so funny, like, “I’d literally kill for a snickerdoodle right now,” and do you know what someone did? PAUL Baked you a cookie? PETRA Better. This girl, um, I can’t remember her name, she went to the new bakery on Spring Street, across from the graffiti art by that son of that billionaire, what’s his name? He’s hot.

2. Paul stares blankly. PETRA (CONT’D) Anyway, she went and bought all of their cookies. Then she took a selfie with the owner baker dude. And then she took his rolling pin, the very same one he used to make the cookie, right? And she smashed it straight into his head...for me! (beat) Isn’t that sweet? Petra nonchalantly continues cutting into her chicken. PAUL Your followers are very literal. (pause) So, he’s dead? Who? Nevermind.

PETRA PAUL

PETRA Anyway, I told this girl that was totally unnecessary but totally appreciated. But the cookies were crap. Not enough cinnamon. PAUL Good thing he’s dead then. PETRA As a reward, I retweeted her. (with pity) She only has 400 followers. She could use the boost. PAUL (pondering, to self) Do they have Twitter in prison? Petra takes a photo of her lunch. INSET photo of chicken with only two bites taken out of it. She captions it “I’m such a fatty!!!!!” and posts it. PAUL (CONT’D) How’s Samantha working out?

3.

Who?

PETRA

PAUL Your new intern. Petra stares blankly. PAUL (CONT’D) The one who showed up for the interview wearing a Catholic school girl uniform? CUT TO: INT. GLEAMING OFFICE - DAY - FLASHBACK SAMANTHA (21), mousy, looks petrified standing in the doorway of Petra’s office. She’s wearing a blue plaid skirt and white shirt. Petra is in the background already making a “no way” shake of the head. CUT TO: EXT. BUSY RESTAURANT - DAY PETRA (remembering) Oh, the dull girl. She’s been put to good use. CUT TO: INT. BASEMENT - DAY OR NIGHT, IMPOSSIBLE TO TELL Samantha sits in the middle of towering piles of mail and packages in what looks like a dungeon. She’s wearied. Her clothes are askew. She picks up a letter and gingerly tries to open it before bursting into tears. CUT TO: EXT. BUSY RESTAURANT - DAY Farewell.

PAUL

Petra regards the cheeseburger sitting in front of Paul.

4. PETRA You’re not actually going to eat that, are you? PAUL Of course not. You know I just like to smell it. He bends down, so close his nose touches the pretzel bun, and inhales deeply. Ahhhhh.

PAUL (CONT’D)

PETRA Gross. (getting serious) What do I want today? Any ideas? PAUL I dunno. Your house is clean, your mail is being opened, your fridge is stocked, your bed is made, your-PETRA (cutting him off) You’re boring. You’re not thinking big enough. A trip?

PAUL

PETRA No. You know I hate strangers. PAUL (subtle eyeroll) Well, what do you want? How about another cookie? A better one? PETRA Oooh. That place-(she points across the street to a bakery) Is supposed to be yummers. PAUL So, get one. A beat. Is she going to get up and get one herself? No. Petra starts typing.

5. PETRA (reading aloud) Hi Petra Phans! I don’t know about you, but I’d literally give up my first-born for one of those new chocolate chip cookies in Tribeca. Le sigh. (pause) Sent. PAUL And now we wait. They both look across the street to the big sign that says BAKERY. CUT TO: EXT. STREET CORNER - A FEW MINUTES LATER A YOUNG MOM (30s) come barreling around the corner, yanking her SON (5) along behind her. Come on!

YOUNG MOM

They rush into the bakery. Petra and Paul are still sitting across the street. PAUL Do we have a winner? They wait. The YOUNG MOM comes out of the bakery carrying a small brown paper bag. She’s alone. While crossing the street, she spots Petra and Paul and starts sprinting and waving the bag. YOUNG MOM I’ve got it! Here it is! Am I first? She reaches their table. Petra turns on the charm. PETRA Hi! What’s your handle? YOUNG MOM Happymommy82. PETRA Wonderful. And what do we have here?

6. YOUNG MOM (offering the bag) A cookie. (then) I traded my son for a cookie. (then) For you. PETRA (breaking off a morsel) Thank you so much, Happymommy82. You shouldn’t have. And Petra happily eats her cookie, which turns out to be exactly what she wanted after all. FADE TO BLACK.