AFFIRMATIONS OF NONBINARY IDENTITY 1 M. Paz

Running head: AFFIRMATIONS OF NONBINARY IDENTITY

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“I love you as both and I love you as neither”: Romantic partners’ affirmations of nonbinary transgender individuals

M. Paz Galupo, Lex Pulice-Farrow, Zakary A. Clements, & Ezra R. Morris Towson University, Maryland, United States

Article accepted for publication / in press: Galupo, M. P., Pulice-Farrow, L., Clements, Z. A., & Morris, E. R. (2019, In Press). “I love you as both and I love you as neither”: Romantic partners’ affirmations of nonbinary transgender individuals. International Journal of Transgenderism.


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Abstract Background: Transgender microaffirmations are subtle endorsements of a person’s gender identity through both verbal acknowledgements and behavioral gestures. Microaffirmations positively impact individuals who identify as transgender by acknowledging their gender identity and by communicating a sense of support and validation. Aims: The present study focuses on microaffirmations specifically directed toward nonbinary transgender individuals within romantic relationships. Methods: Participants included 161 adults who identified as nonbinary: 85 who identified as gender nonconforming and 76 who identified as agender. These participants were either currently in a romantic relationship or had been in a romantic relationship within the past five years. Participants completed an online survey and provided examples of the microaffirmations they experienced from their romantic partners. Results: Responses were analyzed via thematic analysis, resulting in four overarching themes: 1) Identity Validations, acknowledgement and acceptance of nonbinary identity; 2) Identity Endorsements, active endorsements of nonbinary through language or behavior; 3) Active Learning, self-education about nonbinary identities; and 4) Active Defense, interruptions of others’ negative actions directed at nonbinary partners. Discussion: Discussion of the results focuses on understanding how microaffirmations operate to complicate binary notions of gender/sex and positively influence nonbinary transgender individuals in interpersonal relationships.

Keywords: microaffirmations, nonbinary romantic relationships, transgender


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“I love you as both and I love you as neither”: Romantic partners’ affirmations of nonbinary transgender individuals Microaffirmations are subtle endorsements of a person’s non-normative identity through verbal acknowledgement and/or behavioral gestures (Flanders, 2015). Transgender microaffirmations serve to (intentionally or unintentionally) endorse and validate an individual on the basis of their gender identity (Blinded for Review). The present study focuses on microaffirmations specifically directed toward nonbinary transgender individuals from their romantic partners. Transgender Experience: Binary and Nonbinary Distinctions Gender is a multidimensional construct that encompasses sex assigned at birth, gender identity, gender roles and expectations, social presentation, and gender evaluations (Tate, Youssef, & Bettergarcia, 2014). Gender identity is conceptualized in the research literature as an individual’s inherent sense of their1 own gender with regard to being female, male, both, or neither (Tate, 2014; Tate, Youssef, & Bettergarcia, 2014). While cisgender individuals have a gender identity that is the same as their sex assigned at birth, transgender individuals have a gender identity that differs from their sex assigned at birth (Bilodeau & Renn, 2005; Tate et al., 2014). Transgender identities are heterogeneous and are often conceptualized in ways that complicate binary assumptions of gender/sex (Galupo, Davis, Grynkiewicz, & Mitchell, 2014; Tate et al., 2014). Some transgender identities are conceptualized in relatively binary ways, including individuals who transition (medically or socially) from either male to female (MTF, or transgender women) or female to male (FTM, or transgender men2; Beemyn, 2008). Other transgender identities are conceptualized in nonbinary ways. Nonbinary transgender individuals may identify with both genders, with a gender different from male or female, or outside the gender binary altogether (Galupo, Pulice-Farrow, & Ramirez, 2017; Harrison, Grant, & Herman, 2012; Factor & Rothblum, 2008; Richards et al., 2015). Others still may conceptualize themselves as agender, as not having a gender, or

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The singular they pronoun in place of his or hers is also used to acknowledge nonbinary identities that are expected within our sample, and the use of pronouns that do not assume the gender binary. 2 While some individuals who identify as MTF (trans women) or FTM (trans men) may conceptualize their gender as binary, we recognize there are trans women and men who also identify as nonbinary.


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being completely removed from the concept of gender (Butler, 2012). Thus, nonbinary transgender individuals may endorse a range of gender identity labels (including agender, genderfluid, genderqueer, nonbinary, nonconforming, trans) and often use multiple labels to describe their gender (Galupo et al., 2017). Transgender experience differs across gender identity, sex assigned at birth, and approach to social and medical transition (Levitt & Ippolito, 2014) and these factors simultaneously impact how an individual’s gender is classified by others and how their identities are ultimately negotiated in a social/relational context. Transgender Microaggressions and Microaffirmations in Romantic Relationships Romantic relationships factor positively into the overall health and well-being of transgender individuals (Meier, Sharp, Michonski, Babcock, & Fitzgerald, 2013; Mullen & Moane, 2013). Romantic partners often fulfill additional social support roles in the absence of traditional support from family and counseling professionals (Hines, 2009). Although romantic relationships play a unique role in the lives of transgender individuals, they have been understudied (Moradi et al., 2016). Overall, the research that does exist emphasizes a) the impact of gender transition on the relationship (e.g. Davis & Meier, 2013; JoslinRoher & Wheeler, 2009); b) the experiences of partners over those of transgender individuals (e.g. JoslinRoher & Wheeler, 2009; Norwood, 2012); c) relationship outcomes over dynamics (e.g. Meier et al., 2013); and d) negative experiences over positive ones (Velez, Breslow, Brewster, Cox, & Foster, 2016; Moradi et al., 2016); Recent research has allowed a general understanding of the way transgender individuals’ identity is both invalidated through microaggressions (Galupo, Henise, & Davis, 2014; Pulice-Farrow, Brown, & Galupo, 2017; Pulice-Farrow, Clements, & Galupo, 2017) and validated through microaffirmations (Blinded for Review) in the context of interpersonal relationships (i.e. with friends and romantic partners). Microaggressions are subtle forms of discrimination that occur daily and can manifest interpersonally as behavioral, verbal, or environmental slights (Sue, 2010). Transgender microaggressions serve to (intentionally or unintentionally) invalidate an individual on the basis of their gender identity (Nadal, Skolnik, & Wong, 2012). Transgender microaggressions are unique from microaggressions


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directed toward lesbian, gay and bisexual individuals as they can be gender-specific. For example, they include use of incorrect gendered language (i.e. names and pronouns) or the assumption of a universal transgender experience (Nadal et al., 2012). Transgender microaggressions are sensitive to time and context and also vary in expression in accordance to the gender identity of the individuals both sending (Galupo, Henise et al., 2014) and receiving (Chang & Chung, 2015; Pulice-Farrow, Clements et al., 2017) them. For example, transgender microaggressions are perceived as more upsetting when coming from a friend vs. acquaintance and microaggressions received from someone within the LGBT community are often met with the sense that “they should have known better” (Galupo, Henise et al., 2014). In addition, transgender microaggressions often serve to question the authenticity of transgender identity (PuliceFarrow, Clements et al., 2017) and this questioning is similarly directed to binary and nonbinary transgender individuals. However, the assumptions behind the questioning and, therefore, the nature of the microaggression, may be different. For binary transgender individuals, microaggressions may suggest that they are not “real” women or men, however for nonbinary transgender individuals they often also question whether an individual is “really” transgender (Pulice-Farrow, Clements et al 2017). Thus, the experience of transgender microaggressions differ for binary and nonbinary individuals in important ways. Microaffirmations, in contrast, are subtle endorsements of a person’s non-normative identity through verbal acknowledgement and/or behavioral gestures (Flanders, 2015). Transgender microaffirmations serve to (intentionally or unintentionally) endorse and validate an individual on the basis of their gender identity (Blinded for Review). Transgender microaffirmations have been described to include an acknowledgment of cisgender privilege, using affirming language, affirming gender(less) presentation, and acknowledging milestones (Blinded for Review). However, no research has addressed how these microaffirmations may differ for binary and nonbinary transgender individuals. Additional research is needed to specifically understand how nonbinary transgender identities are affirmed within the context of their romantic relationship.


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Present Study Just as transgender microaggressions are subtle slights that invalidate a person’s gender identity and negatively impact their well-being and mental health (Nadal et al., 2012) microaffirmations can subtly endorse identity through small verbal and behavioral gestures (Blinded for Review; Flanders, 2015). And, just as the study of transgender microaggressions has revealed subtle (but important) ways that nonbinary transgender individuals uniquely negotiate social understandings of their gender identity, it is likely that the study of microaffirmations would provide similar insights. Despite research that suggests that among non-clinical samples of transgender individuals, genderqueer is the most commonly endorsed gender identity (Kuper, Nussbaum, & Mustanski, 2012) research on nonbinary experience is limited (Webb, Matsuno, Budge, Krishnan, & Balsam, 2015). The present research centers on nonbinary transgender experience in order to address this gap. Specifically, the present study utilizes a qualitative approach to understanding the nature of microaffirmations that nonbinary transgender individuals experience from their romantic partners. Participants were asked to provide examples of microaffirmations experienced from within their own romantic relationships. The present analysis focuses on addressing the following research question: What types of gender-based microaffirmations do nonbinary transgender individuals experience in the context of their romantic relationships? Method Participants Participant gender identity was assessed in multiple ways. First, participants provided their gender identity as a write-in response. These labels accompany direct quotes from participants in order to best represent their experience of gender. Second, participants were asked to select the gender identity group that best captures their experience from four broad options: Transmasculine, Transfeminine, Gender Non-Conforming and Agender. The present analysis on nonbinary transgender experience focuses on the two latter groups. It is important to note that participants in these two groups endorsed a range of


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gender identity labels including agender, genderfluid, genderqueer, nonbinary, transgender. Often they provided more than one gender identity label. Participants included 161 nonbinary transgender adults who self-identified as either agender (n = 76) or gender non-conforming (n = 85). Participants ranged in age from 18 to 54 (M = 22.35, SD = 4.92) and represent 39 states. There was limited racial/ethnic diversity in this sample, with 77.65% of the participants’ identifying as White/Caucasian, and 22.35% identifying as a racial/ethnic minority. Table 1 displays the sample’s demographics, including highest level of education, state of residence, and socioeconomic status. Participants were recruited as part of a larger study on transgender experiences in romantic relationships. Recruitment announcements were posted to social media sites, online message boards, and emailed via transgender listservs. Some of these resources were geared toward specific communities (e.g. nonbinary or gender-queer), while others served the transgender community more generally. To be included as part of the larger study, participants had to identify as transgender, transsexual, gender nonbinary, or as having a transgender history or status. In addition, participants had to currently be in a romantic relationship(s) and/or have been in a relationship within the last five years while they identified as nonbinary. The majority of participants in the study were referring to a current romantic partner (79.01%). To be included in the present study participants had to identify as agender or gender nonconforming. Participants in the current study were recruited primarily through social media (Tumblr, 87%; Facebook, 9.3%) and a small portion indicated that they heard about the study through an acquaintance (3.7%). Measures The present study focuses on microaffirmations that nonbinary transgender individuals receive within their romantic relationships. In order to frame an understanding of our sample, demographic information, including socio-economic status, race/ethnicity, age, state of residence, and highest level of education was collected. Participants completed an online survey where they answered qualitative questions with regard to their experiences in romantic relationships. The present analysis focused on the


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following question: “Provide an example from your romantic partner in which a supportive or affirming action has been directed toward you based on your gender identity. Please describe the experience in detail and include both your internal (emotional) reaction as well as any feedback or action made to the situation.” Additionally, participants were asked to describe the nature of their relationship, such as the duration, their transition status while in the relationship, and the frequency of microaffirmations from their romantic partner. Procedure Participants completed an online survey that sought to explore microaffirmations within their romantic relationships. Data from a single prompt was considered for the analysis. Participants first provided their demographic information. All participants were then asked to describe in detail their personal experiences of microaffirmations within the context of their romantic relationships. Data Analysis Our research team included four individuals: a biracial professor of psychology who identifies as a bi/pansexual cisgender woman and whose spouse is nonbinary; a Ph.D. student in Counseling Psychology who identifies as a white queer nonbinary person; a Ph.D. student in Counseling Psychology who identifies as a white queer trans man, and; a M.A. student in Counseling Psychology student who identifies as a white queer trans-masculine person. We intentionally composed a research team with diverse gender identities and relationship experiences (Galupo, 2017) and engaged in a reflexive process. We both acknowledged our relationship to the topic and engaged in bracketing in order to avoid reinforcing preconceived biases and assumptions in our coding (Tufford & Newman, 2012). Participants’ descriptions of microaffirmations within romantic relationships were evaluated using thematic analysis (Braun & Clark, 2006, 2013). Members of the research team began analysis by independently coding data while considering potential themes of microaffirmations. The research team then met and reviewed their independent coding categories and agreed upon an initial set of themes. Four overarching themes were identified, with three themes having subcategories. Three members of the team then coded the data set into the agreed upon categories, with the primary author serving as an external


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auditor. The research team met several times to discuss the coding structure and determine which quotes reflected each of the four themes. Each member independently coded participant responses, resulting in 90.1% agreement. Discrepancies were resolved via discussion reaching consensus. Final quotes were chosen to illustrate each theme and to reflect the diversity of each gender identity represented in the sample. Several measures were taken during the data analysis to increase the credibility of our results. First, participants were given the opportunity to provide feedback on how the survey captured (and failed to capture) their individual experiences. Participants were also asked to provide feedback to improve the present and future studies. Some responses obtained were incorporated into the analysis, as participants’ clarified demographic information. Second, members of the research team independently coded participant responses twice. All themes and subthemes were clearly defined and operationalized by the research team. Finally, themes were discussed thoroughly as a group and final outcomes were agreed upon unanimously. Given the range of our individual experiences of gender identity, gender presentation, sexual identity, relationship experiences, race, and religion, we approached these discussions with different mindsets. Results Four major themes emerged based upon nonbinary participants’ descriptions of microaffirmations received from their romantic partners: 1) Identity Validations; 2) Identity Endorsements; 3) Active Learning; and 4) Active Defense. See Table 2 for full thematic structure, including subthemes. All participant responses are represented in at least one of the themes, and many represent multiple themes as they are not mutually exclusive. In the sections below we describe each of the themes and their related subthemes. Illustrative quotes are accompanied by participants’ self-generated labels for gender, race, and age. We contextualize the analysis of themes with relevant notes from the research literature as is convention for qualitative research (Flick, 2014). A general discussion then follows the results.


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Identity Validations Participants described being affirmed by their partners’ acknowledgement and acceptance of their gender. These identity validations were often expressed at critical times in the romantic relationship. “Whenever I first started dating my partner, before I had discussed my gender at length with them, I told them that I wear masculine clothing sometimes and asked if it would bother them to go out in public with me dressed in such a way, since it meant we would likely be perceived as a gay couple. They took it extremely well, and said it wouldn't bother them at all because they are attracted to me and accept me, ALL of me, and my clothing wouldn't change that.” (Agender, White, 23) Some participants described the way partners affirmed their nonbinary identities as they were first discovering or negotiating their identities with others. “When I was trying to discover my gender identity, I was very afraid of losing my stability and my friends. He was with me 100% of the way and continues to reaffirm my validity and our relationship together no matter what gender I am.” (Nonbinary, White, 28) Having their gender affirmed in these ways factored favorably into the way nonbinary individuals felt about their partners and their relationship prospects. “He confirmed that he was okay with my transition and would not leave me. This was a huge relief, since the idea that my gender would ruin our relationship was a major anxiety of mine. I cried.” (Agender, White, 23) The theme of identity validations was expressed by our participants in relation to four subthemes: 1) acknowledges real identity; 2) validates worthiness; 3) avoiding unwanted language; and 4) acknowledges microaggressions. These are further described below. Acknowledges Real Identity Participants felt that their identity was affirmed when partners acknowledged that they saw their identities as valid or real. “When my ex told me that no matter how I look that my gender is valid.” (Agender, White, 18)


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Partners often communicated to nonbinary individuals the primacy of their identities, allowing them to dictate how their gender is negotiated in dress or in language. That participants described identity validations as affirming is particularly salient given that transgender identities develop in opposition to the normative (cisgender) experience, a process where authenticity of identity is central (Boskey, 2014; Levitt & Ippolito, 2014). In fact, questioning the authenticity of transgender identity has been described in both the general transgender microaggression literature (Nadal et al., 2012) and the literature exploring transgender microaggressions within the context of personal relationships (Galupo, Henise et al., 2014, Pulice-Farrow, Brown et al., 2017; Pulice-Farrow, Clements et al., 2017). Microaggressions for nonbinary transgender individuals are uniquely experienced. Whereas, binary transgender individuals are often not seen as “real” women or men, nonbinary transgender individuals are often viewed as not “real” transgender people and are seen as confused due to not conforming to a binary script due (Pulice-Farrow, Clements et al., 2017). Validates Worthiness Beyond acknowledging their real identity, partners provided identity validations by affirming that the participant was worthy of love. “She just helps me when we're alone and I'm struggling with identity. She comforts me and tells me that she loves me for who I am.” (Agender, Asian/Asian American, 19) Although it is assumed that love is a central and defining characteristic of a romantic relationship (Furman & Shomaker, 2008), participants named their partners’ expression of love as an affirmation of their identity. This is clear by the way declarations of love were postured against participants’ nonbinary gender; that is, expression of love worked as a reassurance that their nonbinary identity does not exempt them from their partners’ love. “When I first made the decision to socially transition as agender, my partner was the first person I told. They reassured me that, whether I was indeed agender or anything else, he would care for me and love me the same.” (Agender, Biracial/Multiracial, 22)


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“Well when I first told her about it I was really nervous but she was so awesome about it and made me burst into laughter by saying "I don't care if you identify as apple strudel I will love you anyways and it would simply make you tastier." (Genderfluid, White, 21) Avoiding Unwanted Language That validations of worthiness were experienced by our participants as identity affirmations is not surprising. Fear of losing a partner’s support are not unfounded. Interpersonal rejection of transgender individuals has been well documented in the family (Reisner et al., 2016), friendship (Galupo, Henise et al., 2014; Pulice-Farrow, Clements et al., 2017), and romantic relationship literature (Flanders, Robinson, Legge, & Tarasoff, 2015; Hines, 2009; Pulice-Farrow, Brown et al., 2017). Another way participants experienced identity validations from their romantic partners was through their avoidance of unwanted language. “Jessie (my partner) always uses my pronouns (ey/em) and doesn't refer to me by my birth name whenever possible / whenever it is safe to do so. They have done this from the moment I asked them to. They don't refer to me with gendered labels if at all possible. There is no one instance where they are supportive as they are ALWAYS supportive of me and my gender identity.” (Demigender, White, 21) For our participants the avoidance of unwanted language was affirming. Language based microaggressions toward transgender individuals have been well identified in the literature across varying contexts (Galupo & Resnick, 2016; Galupo, Henise et al., 2014; Hagen & Galupo, 2014; Nadal et al., 2012; Pulice-Farrow, Brown et al., 2017). Binary and nonbinary transgender individuals alike are often misgendered when individuals use language aligned with their sex assigned at birth. There is an additional level of nuance for nonbinary transgender individuals who may or may not resonate with binary language associated with female and male identities (Galupo et al., 2017; Pulice-Farrow, Clements et al., 2017). Participants, however, felt affirmed when partners took the time to be careful with their language and learn what words and terms were validating.


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“She was hesitant to call me her girlfriend because I'm nonbinary but I said it was nice for me because I'm connected with womanhood.” (Agender woman, Asian/Asian American, 23) Partners also validated our participants’ identities by acknowledging interpersonal slights or microaggressions that were perpetrated against them. This often served as an important reality check for our participants. “After I had to spend a day with family members who misgendered me and used the wrong name for me repeatedly, my partner was very comforting and affirming and reminded me verbally that my gender is valid. It seemed like a small gesture at the time and there wasn't much to describe but it made me feel much more secure and respected than I had before, and reminded me that there are people who see my identity as valid.” (Transgender, nonbinary, agender, White, 21) Acknowledges Microaggressions Sometimes participants described their partners’ efforts in correcting or even apologizing for their own microaggressions. “He has made efforts to correct himself when he calls me his wife, instead saying, ‘Spouse, sorry.’" (Nonbinary/ambonec, Biracial/Multiracial, 27) Others’ apologies highlighted the partners’ development and how their own understanding and sensitivity had progressed in the relationship. “Apologized profusely for his actions in the beginning stages of our relationships.” (Seagender, Race/Ethnicity not specified, 18) Previous research on the romantic relationships of transgender individuals has highlighted both the pervasiveness of microaggressions by romantic partners and the way these microaggressions are impactful because of the importance of the relationship (Pulice-Farrow, Brown et al., 2017). Our participants described that some of the hurt experienced with microaggressions was mitigated with their partner’s acknowledgement and this served to, in turn, validate their identity.


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Identity Endorsements A second major theme emerged where participants felt affirmed through their partners’ active endorsements of their gender identity. These were described as partners’ intentional use of language or behaviors in order to affirm participants’ nonbinary identity. “Two days ago I had to go buy women's jeans for work, where I'm forced to present as female and use my dead name. It brought me down, made me question my worth, the validity of my gender identity, etc. She could tell something was wrong, asked, and then proceeded to tell me that I am both beautiful and handsome. That I am strong. That I am brave. That I am loved. It warmed my heart, and pushed the inner demons back. It picked me up.” (Genderqueer, White, 26) Central to these endorsements of nonbinary identity were partners’ negotiations around the fluid and shifting nature of participants’ gender. “My girlfriend has asked if I'm okay with doing things with my chest and has really made an effort to make sure that I'm comfortable with things genderwise. It really made me happy that they were thinking about that since my gender is fluid and my okayness with things one day is not necessarily how things will be the next day.” (Nonbinary, Biracial/Multiracial, 20) The theme of identity endorsements was expressed by our participants in relation to three subthemes: 1) using affirming language; 2) switching language; and 3) dysphoria reducing efforts. Using Affirming Language In addition to avoiding unwanted language (described above) participants described feeling affirmed when partners intentionally used language that matched their nonbinary identities. “My partner calls me whatever gender terms and pronouns I ask them to. Once, I was trying out a new name and asked them to use it while we were at a store, I ended up not liking the name but hearing them use it made me feel like at least someone took me seriously.” (Genderfluid, White, 20) Often this language was intentionally gender neutral, and went beyond the use of names and pronouns.


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“she calls me her enbyfriend, refers to me with they/them pronouns when i'm not around, uses genderneutral titles when we're flirting (i.e. "blanket monarch" instead of "blanket king/queen"), etc.” (Agender, White, 21) Switching Language Participants also named the ways that their partners endorsed their identities by switching language specifically at times of change. “My husband accepted a new job. Before he started he asked me if I wanted him to refer to me with gender neutral pronouns around his coworkers and patients since it was all going to be a "clean slate" where no one knew us. He had been using them around the correct people already, but I didn't realize he believed me enough to actually go out of his way to talk about me in the right way. I felt very loved.” (Agender, White, 25) Participants described identity affirmations that revealed that their partners understood the nuance in the ways that nonbinary identities are often negotiated. Because many nonbinary individuals experience their gender as fluid and therefore shifting in expression across time and context (Galupo et al, 2017), participants were affirmed when partners were able to anticipate some of these changes and adjust their language accordingly. “From the beginning of our relationship, my partner has always made the effort to be understanding and routinely checks in on me to see how I feel about my gender identity, and asks me if she needs to adjust pronouns, etc. This always makes me feel loved and safe, even when my internal monologue is one of self doubt.” (Agender, Biracial/Multiracial, 23) For many nonbinary individuals, shifts in gender presentation and expression are not linear or transition dependent. Rather, shifts can sometimes occur on a daily or hourly basis (Galupo et al., 2017). Our participants described ways that their partners affirmed the shifting nature of their gender. “He tends to be able to tell when I am feeling closer to one gender or another, and will change his language to accommodate those changes and reaffirm my gender identity. When he can tell I am feeling more masculine he will be sure to mention how much he loves his "boyfriend". It


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always makes me feel confident and loved hearing him affirm my gender identity and praise my bravery for being open about my identity.” (Nonbinary, White, 19) Dysphoria Reducing Efforts Another way participants described their partners’ endorsement of their identity was through their efforts to help them reduce their dysphoria. “My current partner is deeply supportive of me and provides me great love and care around my gender, expression, and dysphoria. When I am feeling off about my body, I often question whether or not I would feel better if I began HRT. I know that I don't want to move through the world being read as a man, but I also am so uncomfortable being read as a woman constantly. When this happens and I feel so stuck, my partner offers to train with me at the gym to build up my shoulders, or to take us on a hike so I can get away from other people and just feel good in my own body. She is also wonderful at affirming the masculinity and the femininity I carry with me.” (Nonbinary, White, 24) Some participants described the ways that their partners actively affirmed their nonbinary identity by supporting the ways that they were managing their gender presentation. “My boyfriend pointed out tiny changes he'd noticed after I was 2 months on T and got excited with me about them and helped me put on/take off my binder.” (Transgender, White, 19)

“He sent me screenshots of a cheap binder he had found online and asked what my size was so he could order it for me, since he knew I really wanted one but couldn't afford it. It felt really great inside that we could casually bring up something like that without it having to be a big deal over the fact that I was genderqueer. It was wonderful.” (Agender, Race/Ethnicity not specified, 18) Participants described the way their partners intentionally affirmed their nonbinary identities in an effort to address their dysphoria. These findings are consistent with the literature that suggests that social relationships in general (Austin & Goodman, 2017; Pflum, Testa, Balsam, Goldblum & Bongar, 2015)


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and romantic relationships in particular (Meier et al., 2013) can serve to buffer against anxiety and depression among transgender individuals. Active Learning A third major theme emerged where participants described feeling affirmed by their partners’ efforts to actively learn about nonbinary identities. When partners made efforts to educate themselves, our participants did not feel the burden to constantly have to explain or justify their experience. “I was the first trans or even gender nonconforming person he had knowingly met and he has been very good about doing his own research and asking questions when he needs clarification.” (Agender, Biracial/Multiracial, 24)

“(He) actively chooses to educate himself on gender etc so that we can talk about it without me having to teach him everything. It makes me feel loved and safe and like I'm being taken seriously and we've become even closer because of it”. (GNC, White, 22) Active Defense A fourth and final major theme emerged where participants described feeling affirmed by their partners’ active defense of their nonbinary identity. Partners affirmed our nonbinary participants by interrupting the negative action or response of others. The theme of active defense was expressed by our participants in relation to two sub-themes: 1) correcting others; and 2) ally to transgender community. Correcting Others Participants described times when they felt partners’ defended them by taking action to correct others’ language. Sometimes this took form of correcting others when participants were misgendered or when other people used the incorrect names or pronouns. Sometimes partners corrected others’ comments or assumptions regarding the validity of nonbinary identities. “Immediately made the effort to start using the pronouns I had told him, started introducing me as his partner rather than his girlfriend, corrects people if I'm uncomfortable doing so when they


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say things like "okay I get it you're nonbinary but like you're still a girl, though" (GNC, White, 22)

“My partner adamantly argued with her family that my gender is a valid gender and it felt great that she stood up for me then.” (Agender, White, 18) “My partner has on more than one occasion stepped up to my family in regards to their uncertainty on my gender and sexual identity. Though I was nervous about the outcome, I have always been exceptionally grateful that my partner has been so strong and willing to support me and step up for me when others slight me.” (nonbinary or agender, Native Hawaiian/Other Pacific Islander, 24) Ally to the Transgender Community Participants also described active defense microaffirmations where partners’ actions extended beyond an immediate interpersonal or social situation. Some participants noted that their partners’ actions moved to a more active role where they used their social privilege to speak out and educate others. Participants described partners affirmations in a way that aligns with definitions in the literature on allyship (Ji, DuBois, & Finnessy, 2009; Riggs, von Doussa, & Power, 2015; Rostosky, Black, Riggle & Rosenkrantz, 2015). “In general, my partner learning to be a good trans ally (listening to and learning from the experiences of trans people, challenging cissexism, using the right pronouns, etc.) has been affirming to me because it helps him understand how to support me as well as other trans people.” (Agender, White, 20)

“He writes songs about learning to use nonbinary pronouns.” (Genderqueer/nonbinary, White, 44)


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Discussion The present qualitative study allows an understanding of the way nonbinary transgender identities are affirmed in intimate relationships. Our focus on microaffirmations suggest that small, daily validations were powerfully received by our participants. Microaffirmations from romantic partners served to transform participants’ experiences both within and outside of the relationship. Within the relationship, the impact is most clearly seen with the subtheme validates worthiness. Participants described microaffirmations that worked within the relationship at the most basic level to validate that they are worthy of love. Although love is considered a defining characteristic of romantic relationships (Furman & Shomaker, 2008), participants saw their partners’ expression of love as an affirmation of their identity. Statements of love were often directly articulated against participants’ nonbinary gender and worked as a reassurance that their nonbinary identity does not exempt them from being loved. Outside of the relationship, the impact of microaffirmations is most clearly seen within the theme of active defense. Participants described microaffirmations from their romantic partners that disrupted negative interactions with others, either by correcting others’ misconceptions or bias toward nonbinary individuals or by serving as an ally to the transgender community. Beyond articulating the sphere of impact of microaffirmations, the themes that emerged illustrate the unique nature of nonbinary transgender identities. Because nonbinary identities are often not acknowledged as valid identities (Blinded for Review) it makes sense that a microaffirmation subtheme emerged for acknowledges real identity. Participants felt affirmed when partners signaled that they recognized and validated their nonbinary identities. Partners also endorsed participants’ identities in more subtle ways, demonstrating that they understood the nuances of nonbinary identities. For example, nonbinary identities are often characterized with regard to flexibility or fluidity (Galupo, Pulice-Farrow et al., 2017). The subtheme switching language illustrated the way partners affirmed nonbinary identities by acknowledging this fluidity by shifting their language accordingly.


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Limitations and Directions for Future Research While the present study provides important contributions to the literature, it is not without its limitations. Participants were recruited into the study as part of a larger study on transgender relationship experiences. All participants, then, saw their nonbinary identities as falling under the larger transgender umbrella. Although many studies on nonbinary individuals have similar inclusion criteria (where participants dually identify as nonbinary and trans; e.g. Clark, Veale, Townsend, Frohard-Dourlent & Saewyc, 2018) some nonbinary and gender nonconforming individuals may not consider themselves as part of that community (American Psychological Association, 2015; James et al., 2008) and their experiences would not be reflected in our sample. Our participants also represent an online convenience sample and our demographics reflect the fact that transgender participants recruited online disproportionately sample White and highly educated participants (Christian, Dillman, & Smyth, 2008). Interpretations of these data, then, should be done within the context of the noted demographics of our sample. It is important to note that the mean age for our participants was 22 years. This may be partially explained by the fact that our participants were mainly recruited through social media with 87% coming from Tumblr. However, these numbers are also consistent with research that suggests a larger pattern of association between gender identity and age among transgender individuals (James et al., 2016; Koehler, Eyssel, Nieder, 2018). For example, the 2015 U.S. Transgender Survey reported 61% of nonbinary participants were between 18-24 years of age, compared to 43% trans men and 24% trans women (James, et al., 2016). Because older nonbinary individuals may be at a different stage in their identity and relationship development, it is possible that they might experience microaffirmations in their romantic relationships slightly differently than our participants. Future research is necessary to understand how both relationship duration/stage and identity development may play a role in the negotiation of identity in these relationships.


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Conclusions In describing microaffirmations experienced within the romantic relationships of nonbinary transgender individuals, the present study makes several unique contributions to the existing literature. First, the present study can serve as an important model for understanding how nonbinary individuals experience identity affirmations. Because nonbinary transgender individuals experience gender uniquely, the present findings highlight the nuanced negotiation of nonbinary identity within interpersonal relationships and differentiates it from the transgender literature that has focused, more often, on binary transgender experience. For example, microaffirmations described by our participants often acknowledged the shifting nature of gender presentation or expression, and included ways of affirming nonbinary identity through the use of gender neutral language. Second, because the relationship literature for transgender individuals disproportionately focuses on negative experiences and outcomes, the present study adds to the scant literature on positive experiences. Third, taken together with the findings of transgender microaggressions that occur within romantic relationships (Pulice-Farrow et al., 2017a), an understanding of transgender microaffirmations provides a balanced understanding of how identity may be affirmed and invalidated in small (but important) ways, potentially within the same relationships. Fourth, because the present study focused on identity affirmations occurring in a specific relational context, and because the themes were derived from participants’ lived experiences, they provide easily understood directives for how to improve and support nonbinary individuals in interpersonal interactions.

Declaration of Conflict of Interest The authors have no conflict of interest to declare.


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Running head: AFFIRMATIONS OF NONBINARY IDENTITY Table 1. Participant Demographics Total (N = 161) Age Mean (SD)

22.35 (4.92)

Race/Ethnicity (%) White/Caucasian

63.4

Biracial/Multiracial

8.1

Hispanic/Latino

3.7

Asian/Asian-American

3.7

Black/African-American

4.3

Native Hawaiian/ Pacific Islander

0.6

Socio-Economic Status (%) Working Class Lower-Middle Class Middle Class Upper-Middle Class Upper Class Don’t Know No Answer Education Level (%) Some High School High School Degree/GED Some College Associate’s Degree Bachelor’s Degree Master’s Degree Doctorate Degree

29.2 20.5 24.2 12.4 2.5 6.2 5.0 5.6 20.5 42.2 4.3 22.3 3.1 0.6

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Running head: AFFIRMATIONS OF NONBINARY IDENTITY Table 2. Thematic Structure Main Theme Identity Validations

Subtheme Acknowledges Real Identity Validates Worthiness Avoiding Unwanted Language Acknowledges Microaggressions

Identity Endorsements Using Affirming Language Switching Language Dysphoria Reducing Efforts Active Learning Active Defense Correcting Others Ally to Trans Community

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