Boldness Code Class Interview with Alex Allman Part I

Boldness Code Class Interview with Alex Allman Part I Alex:

Good morning!

Adam:

Good morning, buddy!

Alex:

My Skype does this funny thing where every now and then, everything works except that I can't hear it and when I couldn't hear the ringing, I thought, "Crap, it's doing it."

Adam:

Other than the fact that you couldn’t hear, it'll be fine.

Alex:

Yes, exactly. Hey, it's only important that I say interesting shit.

Adam:

That's fine with me, by the way. I'm tired of hearing myself. Actually, you know what? Can I tell you something really quickly?

Alex:

Yes, of course.

Adam:

Then I want to hear about you. In the last two days, I aligned what I hope would be my first published book. It's called How Much Love Can You Stand.

Alex:

I love it.

Adam:

It's good, dude. Seriously, I've been on fire. It's three parts. The first part is about genuine self-love, but really breaking it down not only loving your body, but also loving your consciousness, the fact that you have consciousness, so it's not your standard shit. That's the first part. The second part, ten chapters, are about loving the fact that you have life itself and the whole ecosphere, but really in detail how to reconnect with that natural awe and wonder.

Alex:

Beautiful.

Adam:

And then the third part -- this is the coup de grace and I didn’t even know I had it until I got to it, is taking all those lessons from part one to part two and pointing them to your beloved, so I'm really applying it to intimate relationship and then of course at the end of the golden return, taking all that and pulling that back out into loving yourself and loving the world. Dude, it really knocked me out. I'm very excited.

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Alex:

Well, I'll say two things on the subject. The first is, it's about fucking time you wrote a book. As someone who read your marketing, I thought, "This man's not a marketer. He's a writer. He should be writing books," and I've always said that. Sometimes I read your stuff and it brings tears to my eyes. I think it's so fucking good. That's huge.

Adam:

Well, this is the world I ended up in, so I'm writing what I see.

Alex:

Yes, absolutely. And then the other piece is that I think it's an important book. I really do. Of the last decade that I've been doing this work, helping men almost a decade now, that is one of the top distinctions that I've made that I think is the highest leverage point, the ability to receive love. I think everybody wants to give love. It's easy to give. Giving is easy.

Adam:

You'd be surprised. Trust is easy because we're good lovers.

Alex:

Well, I think for humans in general, it's a lot easier to offer a stick of gum than to receive a stick of gum, really even at that level. Or if somebody has something and they say, "Oh here, have some of mine," we want to say, "No, I'm fine. Thank you."

Adam:

Isn't that crazy? That's obviously my first chapter, you know.

Alex:

Yes, and I think that that travels all the way to receiving the love of God. I think that the topic is fantastic and any leverage that you can give people to wake up to what they're receiving is also fantastic, so good on you, brother. I love that. Yes, I know. Have you been here?

Adam: Alex:

I haven't, but a lot of my friends have been in and out of there and I've heard only amazingness.

Adam:

I call it the city of the lost tense. It's like you stand there at the doorway and just watch them come in and you're just like un-fucking-believable, literally I just stood there going, "Seriously? Seriously? Seriously?" I was saying it out loud for about ten minutes. "Seriously?"

Alex:

Wow! That's great, bro. Good for you. I love it.

Adam:

That's right. Mostly I've been working though. It sounds a lot more romantic than it is. David and I had been really holed up here for about a week and a half now. I think we've gotten more accomplished than I had in the two months prior.

Alex:

Well, that's good too!

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Adam:

That's why we did it, just to get away and focus.

Alex:

Great! Get away, focus, and have a lot of hot chicks around, and just a change of environment. It's just juicy to change shit up, man.

Adam:

Totally! It's more than the hot chicks. I have to tell you. I don’t know if it's because of my age, but I have so little interest in trying to have a conversation with someone who has half my education. It just doesn’t interest me.

Alex:

Right. Yes. I think that ebbs and flows.

Adam: Adam:

It does. Right now, there are a couple of women I'm deeply interested in. Someone's coming down next week. I'm taking her up to San Andres Island.

Alex:

Nice.

Adam:

It's like a coral reef island with diving and kite boarding and it's just paradise.

Alex:

Nice!

Adam:

I know, and all this is cheaper than living in my own house.

Alex:

So good, bro! I could not be happier for you.

Adam:

Tell me about you. You're moving to New York?

Alex:

Yes. We're going to split time between New York and the DR.

Adam:

That's right. I remember. You told me that.

Alex:

Yes. I think that's going to be a good lifestyle. Living in New York while skipping January, February, July and August just seems like the right thing to do.

Adam:

Are you going to Airbnb it?

Alex:

Short-term, not long-term. The other possibility, by the way, is we may Airbnb for just a while until we get sick of it because for the price of living in New York, we could just travel the world for a while.

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Adam:

It's crazy, right?

Alex:

I'm mindful that when I first moved to the Caribbean, I didn’t get a whole lot done. It sounds like you had infrastructure set up in advance and you knew you were going to have good web and all that.

Adam:

But you have to pay extra.

Alex:

Yes. When I first got down to the Caribbean, I struggled to get work done for the first couple of weeks, so I tried to figure out my life a bit. I think Airbnb improves that situation a bit because you're set up and you can talk to the owner of the place in advance and they're there when you show up with the keys and they say, "The grocery store is over there, the internet is this and that," and the other thing, do you know what I mean?

Adam:

Yes, absolutely.

Alex:

But the thought is for the price of New York, we could have a plane ticket and apartment once a month, do you know what I mean?

Adam:

Yes.

Alex:

It's like for the same $3000, we can have a $1500 plane ticket and $1500 for an apartment basically anywhere but London, Paris, or --

Adam:

Shanghai.

Alex:

In Shanghai we could do a little studio. Shanghai is not too expensive yet.

Adam:

No?

Alex:

But Stockholm, Paris, and London are on the expensive side. The thing is when you're traveling, it's not like home. You could totally live in a studio.

Adam:

Yes, that's true. I need so little at this point. It's crazy.

Alex:

Right. It's different than; when we get a place in New York, we want two bedrooms. We have a guest room and we have an office, but when we're traveling, fuck it.

Adam:

Yes. We have this amazing penthouse, two-story apartment with a hot tub on the balcony and everything, but I get up in the morning and I just go to the café and I sit and write for six hours. I don’t need it, you know? So that's cool. So when are you going to start this? When are you leaving Austin?

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Alex:

We were supposed to leave tomorrow.

Adam:

Oh, but now you’re not?

Alex:

Yes, strange things happened with the INS. We were expecting that she would get her interview in the next six months. She got it immediately and it's on March 25th, so we have to stay in the jurisdiction. We need to prove that we live in Texas when the interview happens in Texas. We were going to transfer the whole thing to New York, but before we got to transfer it, we got the notice that it was scheduled. So we said, "Fuck it. We're not going to mess with the INS." We need to prove our residency in Texas through the 25th, so I extended my lease through the 27th. We leave March 27th for the DR and then I don’t know where's next. We'll go to DR for a month and then we'll figure out whether we want to go to New York in the springtime or if we want to do some more traveling.

Adam:

Cool! Sounds great! And what is she doing these days?

Alex:

She does freelance writing and then she also has been doing some social media stuff for me. I think she's bored a lot.

Adam:

Really? What does she want to do?

Alex:

She has more free time than she needs right now. She doesn’t drive. It’s not like New York, where she'd drive, so that's tough in Austin. When we get to New York, it'll be easy for her and she'll have more of a life. Also, she's not allowed to go get a job because of the whole green card thing, but she will be right after this interview.

Adam:

Oh, right. Okay. You could do online stuff, right?

Alex:

She's working for me, so that works. The money is the money. It all goes in one big pile because we're like that, so it's fine. Like I said, I think being as smart as she is, it's a shame that she's doing as little as she's doing on one level, and on another level I don’t really give a rat's ass. She seems content, so she can work as much or as little as she wants as far as I'm concerned, as long as she's happy. She seems to be ecstatic, so good!

Adam:

That's good. I'm sure she'll find something. It's interesting. There are two women who I really have deep affection for right now. – Have you met Sandy?

Alex:

No, I haven't met her. I’d like to, but still haven't met her though.

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Adam:

It's crazy you haven't met her. She's been working as a behavior specialist for all these years and now all she talks about is she just totally wants to get off working so many hours. She has seen the light knowing me and all our friends.

Alex:

Well, Gaila [Phonetic] and I have been talking about kids and we're pretty clear that she's going to be a full-time mom.

Adam:

Okay.

Alex:

She's not thinking, "I've got to figure out my purpose." She's not one of those people.

Adam:

Right. Good. She'll be part of the Annie Lalla school of, “Where the fuck are you going to put a baby in that body?”

Alex:

Right.

Adam:

But Annie seems to be holding it pretty well.

Alex:

It's so exciting.

Adam:

It is. She's so happy.

Alex:

It fills me with crazy thrilledness.

Adam:

Oh, I don’t blame you. It's awesome. It's the best. I'm actually considering it again, by the way.

Alex:

Wow!

Adam:

This is a long conversation, if we only have time, but I look at it from the terms of mortality. I'm standing here looking at the rest of my life and thinking, "What really excites me?" Can I travel more? Yes. Can I write more? Yes. That excites me, even more than travel, but what else? Do great work. Okay, that's good. Those are the things that kind of excite me, but none of it compares to having that experience again, to love someone so completely. You hear your parents, but until you see it, until you do it, it's hard to imagine, but it fills you with this wonder. It's just so evolutionarily, hormonally, completely different from every other thing in life.

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I look at where my is life going and ask, "Would I like to have that experience again?" Everyone says, "You have your freedom." Yes, that’s true, I know freedom is good. It's nice. Travel is good. Work is good, but it's just not the same. Alex:

Beautiful!

Adam:

That's kind of where I am.

Alex:

Yeah. We've had this conversation that I never wanted kids until I met Gaila. I always thought kids are great for other people and it's not something that's going to happen for me in this lifetime. I'm too fucking selfish. I want my own time. Within a week of meeting Gaila, I started having these fantasies about having kids and it's just gotten stronger and stronger. Now it's all I think about.

Adam:

Really?

Alex:

Yes.

Adam:

That's fantastic, man. That's really cool. Wow!

Alex:

Yes. By the way, it's literally so weird because I feel that externally I've seen the same, but internally that change of wanting something paramountly, like you said, it's the number one thing you want right now. Before it wasn't there at all and now it is there and has taken over. So, internally, it colors everything and I feel like a different human inside to the extent that the other day, I was talking to Gaila and I started telling her this story about my childhood that I've never told anyone before, and it's just a cute, little, charming story, but I had never told her before. And I suddenly realized, "Oh my God, this is a great story." It was so charming. It's about my mom and dad having this big tickle fight and me jumping in and trying to rescue my mom, and my dad wrestling me around and stuff. I realized that story never came up before because it was never relevant to me before. And now, I realized I'm going to be telling that story at cocktail parties over and over again. It's a huge story and it actually means something to me, but a year ago, it didn’t mean anything to me. And now, it's like I can't believe I haven't been telling that story because it just seems like it's so charming and adorable. It's weird. I'm like a different person.

Adam:

Just so I'm clear, the reason why it's –huge to you now is because you're thinking about what it is to be a parent and that kind of thing?

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Alex:

I guess so, yes. Before, it just seemed like, "Who cares? It's stupid, whatever." It just didn’t seem relevant.

Adam:

Yes. That's exciting, man. That's very exciting. You'll probably want to be in one place for a while when you have a kid. This other woman who's in my life, which I haven't told you about yet, she's actually coming down this week. As I said, we live in different places around the world, so that's another story. I'll tell you about it later.

Alex:

That's a good story. It would be good if you were looking for a baby momma and you found somebody that you love, who can fit the other pieces of your lifestyle. That would be great.

Adam:

Dude, she's a psychologist. Her father was hit during the holocaust, so she's got real depth. She likes older guys because of her dad. She's got a Masters from Colombia and all that. She's a yoga teacher. Then there's the fashion model part, but she has a deep, deep sweetness, depth, humor, and lightness. She's read all of my stuff online, the best stuff, and gets me on a deep level. We shall see. I'm not going to over-think it. I haven't met her yet. She's coming down. It's our first date.

Alex:

Good! Love it!

Adam:

Okay. This is good. We're catching up. Anything else that I should know about in your life? How's biz? How's everything else?

Alex:

Biz is great. I keep looking over my shoulder. I know you should never compare yourself to other people, but I keep looking at other guys and scratching my head and thinking, "How is he doing it?"

Alex:

I just don’t understand how other people get so much more done than me. Other than that, I'm just loving it. The money is good. The work is extraordinarily satisfying.

Adam:

I should get you a link. You can ask Celeste for links to the other sessions, from the Evolver site. The first one last week with Sera Beak was off the hook.

Alex:

Really? Good!

Adam:

She's so fucking cool! It's ridiculous.

Alex:

Right on!

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Adam:

And then today, there's a guy named Michael Mirdad who I would highly recommend. You just go online and buy his books. You might know a lot of what he says, but I saw him in action at a conference a few years ago. We did this tantra conference in Arizona and Sedona, and he stood out like heads and shoulders above everyone else in terms of the seriousness of his work, the depth of his experience. He's a serious healer. He's the head of the Unity Church now at Sedona, but he's super, super deep and super, super smart and incredibly well expressed. He's the teacher today that we're doing in a couple of hours.

Alex:

That's great, man.

Adam:

Yeah, and he's really an expert in tantra and what he calls Christ Consciousness, living in bliss, but connecting sexuality with Christ Consciousness. That's kind of hot, so you might find it useful.

Alex:

All right. I'm in.

Adam:

All right. Let's do this shit. Let's see. Boldness, what's the product we're going to be selling, Revolutionary Sex?

Alex:

Sure.

Adam:

Okay. That's your front end.

Alex:

Yes. I wasn't even thinking about this is as a sales opportunity, but sure.

Adam:

What do you mean?

Alex:

It didn’t occur to me, but yes.

Adam:

I always, always, always promote people's stuff when it's good. All right, so initiating sex, getting what you want, making adventure in bed, giving orgasms, attraction, making love, dispelling shame. Okay, let's talk about that, owning sexuality, boldness, giving her the best sexual experience of her life, beyond orgasm. Yes, let's definitely talk about that, this beyond orgasm thing. Okay, I'm going to ask you what's revolution and you can start by saying why do you call it Revolutionary Sex. What's revolutionary about it, and particularly how is it connected to bold living? The Boldness Code is not about, "Hey! How are you? I'm Adam." It's about boldly facing down your shame, boldly facing down your selflimitations, boldly stating what you want in the world and not being

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ashamed of it, and boldly bringing your will into the world and letting women feel that, assuming it's not a destructive will. So that's what boldness is about in the whole course. I'm sure you want to tie into all those kind of things. Alex:

Like I said, you can pick any one of those subjects and we could talk six hours on any of them, so wherever you want to take it. Just steer your ship and I won't shut up until you tell me to.

Adam:

Okay, great! So I'm going to shut this off so we can start on the recording. I'm going to pour myself another cup of coffee. I'm going to call you in one minute.

Alex:

Good!

Adam:

Alright, thanks.

Interview with Alex Allman Part II Adam:

Okay. Welcome! Welcome everybody. This is a special additional, bonus, extra, you-are-going-to-be-grateful-that-you-listened-to-this-session of the Boldness Code with my good friend, Alex Allman. Alex, welcome!

Alex:

Thank you, Adam. It's good to be here.

Adam:

All right. So guys, Alex is not just a great teacher and a great writer, but one of my closest friends, someone who, (when I want counsel), I will go to him because (one thing about Alex is) you can always count on fierceness and boldness and truth from this guy. He doesn’t mess around. And we kind of have a similar background, actually. We grew up across the river from each other in New York. We've both been screenwriters and producers. And you, a number of years ago, took a huge shift in your life and wrote a book called Revolutionary Sex about (well, I'll let you tell what it's about), being your own man boldly, connecting boldly to your sexuality, and connecting your sexuality boldly to women. Alex, let's go back for a second. When you wrote Revolutionary Sex, what was going through your mind? What was the shift? What is it that you wanted to accomplish with that?

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Alex:

I had something important that I wanted to explain to men about their relating with women, and it had been kind of coming into all of my creative work for a while. I guess from college, I was sort of obsessed with sex and how to optimize it.

Adam:

Oh, that was you? I heard about you.

Alex:

Yeah. Everybody is really interested in sex. Everybody wants to be good in bed and whatever, but I would say the majority of people have never read a book about sex. And those who have maybe read one, or maybe they bought one and never read a chapter. I remember finding in the stacks of the library, (back when we used to do research on these bound paper things called books), I noticed there was a section on human sexuality of probably close to a thousand books. I just couldn’t believe it. I just started devouring them. So I had been interested for along time and then I had been experimenting. I was in a relationship where we had become very experimental and (I don’t know if I should...?) Sure, I'll be bold and reveal personal details about myself. I was in a relationship with a bisexual woman and we had a lot of third partners. She had the same interests that I had in how to create optimal experiences for other women. And so, we gathered a lot of our own (being competitive with each other), we gathered a lot of information about how this whole sexuality thing worked in new and different ways, that I think a lot of people had left unexplored. And ultimately, this stuff was coming into my creative work. I started writing a lot of articles about sexuality. It was our friend, Eban Pagan, (who's kind of a marketing genius), he had read some of my articles. We were having lunch one day and he said, "Dude, do you understand how many men really struggle around their sexuality? The stuff you're writing, I have never seen anywhere and it's different. I think it's important and I think it would really help men. You need to write a book and I will help you figure out how to offer it up online." He was an online guy. At the time, I barely knew how to work a computer (revealing my age). That's really the genesis of it is that I had something important to say and I suddenly realized that there was a vehicle for saying it - that was almost ten years ago. Of course, the book has been updated many times since then. I think you'd concur that once you write a book on something, that's when you begin to become an expert on it.

Adam:

Yeah, exactly.

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Alex:

So when people think you're an expert, you need to stand up to that.

Adam:

It's true. Parallel or around the same time, I think, I wrote my book "Going Online Dating", my first one, and I just added another (I did it as a bonus). There's an extra part (something I see now that I left out), so I'm updating all the time, too. I've read your book and it's awesome. Obviously, I'm going to recommend everyone gets this book. I'll give a link at the end, but whenever I describe you, Alex, I always use the word "fierce". You really are in my life (and I know a lot of amazing people) you are fiercely dedicated to making things right, to really speaking the truth, not holding back, and in many ways, one of the reasons I had added you to this series is because you're really an avatar of boldness in your life - how you live and how you teach. So let's connect boldness because like I said, you really are a stand for boldness. Let's connect that to sexuality right now because a lot of people listening, a lot of people have shame around sexuality or they feel like if they're too assertive, they have what Louis C.K. calls the "rapey vibe". That's an amazing piece. I don’t know if you've heard that piece, but put on the "rapey vibe" in YouTube, everybody, and watch Louis C.K. It's hard to know how assertive to be with women because you don’t really know what the line is, so let's walk boldness from inside to the outside, about boldly embracing one's own sexuality. What have you seen? What can you teach around that? And then boldly communicating your sexuality and boldly getting what you fucking want in this life while you have this life. Let's do that in three steps. Let's talk about boldness and let's say embracing your true sexuality. What have you got for us?

Alex:

Well, boldness to me represents the courage to do what's real. Boldness and courage are used interchangeably a lot. He was bold when he jumped over and fought the enemy, or he was courageous. They're related and there's a reason for that. It's because boldness to me involves sort of this epic struggle internally to deal with your own fears. And then overcoming them using a strategy of boldness, really overrunning them and deciding to make a stand, a bold stand internally. And so much of what holds men in their shame pattern is fear that if they released it, then what? "Then who would I be? What if, really, I should be ashamed and my sexuality is kind of bad and wrong, and being masculine will get me laughed at?" An enormous number of men learned very early

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on that the penis is bad and wrong. There was probably a point, at some point where you were touching your penis and somebody was like, "don’t do that in public. It's probably not good to do that in front of grandma and the family." We may or may not remember these specific incidents, but there are a lot of points during our sort of protosexual phase, when we kind of want to touch the girls, look at the girls and be rapey. We're attracted to this, and at the same time, we realize that to articulate it and to let people know that we really do feel this way is going to get us some trouble. You can't talk about sex. You can't talk about your cock. You can't pull your cock out. It's going to be bad and wrong. So now we feel as adults on a very deep level that there might really be something to be ashamed of there. A lot of men don’t feel all that "butched" to begin with. They don’t feel like their dick is big enough in one-way or another - either metaphorically or actually. The fear then is that if we were to be bold, if we were to just speak our truth, the depth of what we really need in the moment, behave out of that space that what's on the other side of that would be a big slap down and massive humiliation on a gigantic scale because that was what was real for us. And it's really, really different from putting on an act and getting shut down because, fuck it, what does it mean? If it's just a fucking game, what does it mean? There was no skin on the game. It's really from your depth. That's when it's the scariest. And the courage that it takes to overcome that level of shame, wherever your level of shame is, you can even push the line an inch. Forget just bowling the wall over, which is really ultimately what every man should do, but even just to move that line an inch sometimes requires a lot of boldness and that shows up as boldness. Two things happen on the other side of this. One is counter-intuitive, it's the opposite of humiliating 100% of the time. It always works out well. Now, the reason it always works out well is because (we were just talking about our friend, Annie Lalla, before the call), Annie Lalla, a friend of ours, said wisely that, shame only grows in the dark and when you open the door and let the light in, it kills shame. It can only grow in the dark. And so, these things that you feel sexual shame about, the more you talk about them, you're authentic about them, you allow the door to crack open and let some light in, the more you do that, there is actually no opportunity for this turning up badly because at worst, shame will begin to dissolve. You'll begin to see, "Oh, it's no big deal."

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Other people, when they hear it, don’t go, "Oh God, you're fucking bizarre." What other people hear about your shame is, "Oh yeah, I felt that shame, too. I totally get you, man," particularly women. Adam:

Yeah. It actually bonds you. It's funny, I mentioned Louis C.K., the comedian, (I don’t know how familiar you are with his stuff), the reason why he broke through and he's now the most successful comedian in the world is that he talks about all the things that nobody talks about, how much he hates it. He goes, "Kids are assholes," his masturbation, everything. He really talks about all the things that most people are ashamed of and you see how people connect with him. Like you said, there's no way to lose and we're so afraid that if we're seeing the truth of who we are, we're going to alienate people when in fact, we're alienating people because we're concealing the truth of who we are. You and I know (through both your communication and mine) what has come across a lot of sexual shame. I would love you to just (in case any guys here particularly are plagued by this), start bringing it into the light. What are some ways in which guys can start dealing with being shamed for having sexual feelings? There is a lot of people who are brought up in religious traditions that feel that way, being ashamed for having sexual desires that may not be socially mainstream acceptable, and being ashamed at even talking about sex. What steps do you advise besides bringing it into the light? What do you mean by bringing it into the light?

Alex:

Well, I think that the strongest way forward in this call is to talk about boldness. And I think to the degree that you can be bold about it is the exact degree to which you will find success and dissolving your shame. The exact degree that you can boldly swing the door wide and be authentic with your sexuality and be authentic with your shame about your sexuality. The more boldness you show in that endeavor, the greater your results. Period. Now, when I say the greater your results, I mean your results in dissolving shame, your liking yourself better, your results in showing up more masculine, your results and feeling better about being masculine, and your results in women being attracted to you, sexually turned on, and wanting to be around you. The thing that is most counter-intuitive about this is that when you begin to either act out on these impulses, to actually be bold about these (when you have shame around a particular sexual desire, and I mean I don’t care

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how kinky and fucking weird it is), all of your desires are good, all of them. Now, not all of them can be acted out in the real world, but you having, for example, a rape fantasy is not weird, wrong, shameful and bad. It's completely natural. You are an animal wired in animal ways, living in a culture where some things don’t work out so well if you do them, but that doesn’t mean that the desire itself is wrong. The desire says something good and healthy about you, and how you manifest it as a man ultimately becomes your choice. I recommend doing it boldly, with integrity, with a sense of humor, with self-compassion and with compassion for every other human. We're all animals. We're all kind of in this. There's no desire that is bad and wrong. I would even say there's no action that's bad or wrong (other than hurting somebody else, doing something against somebodies will) because of course, we need to live cooperatively and you could get thrown in jail and appropriately so, but there's no desire that's wrong. Adam:

So just to clarify (because I want to make sure that people are hearing you right because that might be a shocking statement to a lot of people), "No desire is wrong", so let's take that one, having a rape fantasy, which is not uncommon. So having the desire, you're saying, isn't necessarily wrong. Obviously, raping someone is wrong, but taking that desire and playacting it with somebody is a way to sort of express it?

Alex:

Sure, or you may not want to express is, but you may want to say it out loud and see what happens. The more you -

Adam:

Not at work.

Alex:

What's that?

Adam:

Not at work though.

Alex:

Well, not at work or on a first date necessarily.

Adam:

Right. That’s a good point, good addition.

Alex:

When you approach it from truth. Listen, there's a way to talk about rape fantasy in a way that gives a woman a rapey vibe, right?

Adam:

Okay, a fun, playful one.

Alex:

Yeah, and there's a way to talk about it as a piece of truth and authenticity that exists in all humans. So the possibility for you is to really get that

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there's something natural about bringing aggression to sex, but there's a lot of things that are appropriate fantasy that aren't appropriate in real life, a lot of things. So for example, plenty of men, particularly his kids, have fantasies about being in gunfights. We play. It sounds like fun, right? Adam:

Half of my childhood.

Alex:

And nobody is ashamed of saying, "I used to play Cops and Robbers."

Adam:

Interesting.

Alex:

It's play. And in the same way, I think that probably the majority of women and probably the majority of men have some level of rape fantasy. Now, to actually be in a gunfight, not a good idea and actually to rape someone is not a good idea. Both of those things are probably in no way as cool in real life as they were in your fantasy.

Adam:

And they're more dangerous. That's funny.

Alex:

Yeah. Live rounds coming at you in your general direction will probably make you shit in your pants. You don’t run around with sticks anymore. Same thing, rape is a heinous crime, but feeling that desire to play it out is perfectly natural.

Adam:

Right. Obviously, I'm sure you've had some experiences. Women have said very surprising things to me during sex asking me to do things, which if I had articulated them in public, would be not socially acceptable. So let's do this for guys. Can you model a way? How do you articulate this? Can you just model some ways of bringing up things that people might be ashamed of? Again, people who are listening, you don’t have to do it exactly like Alex says, but you can use this as a template at the beginning for learning to express your true sexual desires. It's my belief and my experience that people who really repress their sexual desires live miserable lives. I think it was Young who really pointed it out that whatever you repress gets expressed somewhere else. It's like pushing down on a balloon; if you push it out on one part, it's going to come out somewhere else. So when you repress your sexual desires, you're really hurting yourself, not only internally by being sad, by not living the life you actually want to live in this lifetime, but number two, by creating neurosis. You create other problems. It comes out in violence. It comes out in anger. It comes out in depression, so it's very good to articulate boldly what it is you want

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sexually and in your life in general, obviously, but today, we're talking about sex. So Alex, what are some ways you could bring that up with a woman? Alex:

I'll just backtrack one little degree and say it is possible sometimes that you want to bring it up with a male friend (if that's helpful for you, if it helps you to sit and talk it through, or with a female friend rather than a lover). Sometimes that's a good training wheel. To bring it up with a lover is optimal though, but I would say you could even (depending on where you're at), you could bring it up with a woman on a first date if the sexual chemistry is flying. If it's not (and you wouldn't test the waters with something bold and authentic like this), but if there's sexual chemistry, you could really have the conversation. If you're already lovers, if you've just made love to a woman and you're lying in bed. Optimal time to talk about this in that post-coital -"Wow! That was fun" place. It's a great place to bring it up. And I would say that's the best way to do it, the safest way internally, and also in many ways the boldest because it's the most true. In other words, it's less true if you're ashamed of something that's sexually appealing to you. It's less true to say, "Hey, it turns me on to think about this and that and the other thing" because actually, it doesn’t just turn you on, you actually have a lot of shame around it. It's more true to say, "so there are things that turn me on that I'm ashamed of" and that statement is actually a deeper truth about yourself. Now you're really exposing. Now you're really opening up. And I would say to take that step of boldness so you're more acceptable and more beautiful to the person you're talking to on a really profoundly deep level. Here's how I'd walk a man through it. It begins with really setting the frame and remembering that you get to set the sort of appropriate playing field. And you could say to a woman, (let's take the example of in bed), "that was beautiful between us and we got to share some good sex there. I feel like that has some level of importance between us, like our relationship is on a new level and I kind of want to cross one more line with you." "There's a conversation that I want to have that I haven't had before, and it's come up for me recently that I'd like to have this conversation with a lover. We just crossed that line. We're lovers now. It's a matter of deep importance to me and it's something that I've been ashamed of and it's been hard for me to talk about it. It has to do some sexual desires that I have. I thought it…"

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Adam:

Alex?

Alex:

It has to do with some sexual desires that I have. I thought it…" This is something that I'd want to talk about with a lover, let's have some fun, explore this together, and let's declare it between us. Let's make a decision. Let's declare a safe space and have some fun. I'm not going to try and talk you into doing anything you don’t want to do and you're sure shit not going to talk me into doing anything that I don’t want to do, so let's just be playful." "Maybe there are some places where some of our weird shit intersects and maybe not, and maybe you could give me some feedback as a woman to how these things feel to you. Like are they weird or are they okay? I can use some honest feedback from a woman here and I want to let some of this stuff out. I'm inviting you to do the same. What do you say? Do you want to play that game with me?" That's just a really fun and interesting way to go deeper with another human, too, and get to know them. I think two things happen. One, it's a great relief for women when you're being authentic because they never get that. They don’t get that from their female friends. They don’t get that from, well, nobody gets authenticity from other humans anymore. To me, that's the deepest form of love, to be truthful to somebody really in the difficult places. So it's very relaxing for her. It's soothing, on a very deep level, to be around a man who's willing to speak the truth. And then the other thing is it's probably exciting because you'll discover all the things that you thought were kind of weird that she's probably digging into as well. So it's a good exercise.

Adam:

I like that. First of all, I like a couple of things about what you said. One is to say, "I'd like to talk about a few things and I want you to know..." always in the context of safety, "your safety is paramount to me, and these are a couple of things I've kind of felt ashamed about in the past and I really haven't felt safe even talking about them. But I feel safe with you." That immediately creates a bond. Safety, safety, safety-first if you're going to start bringing up some sexual things. Some women freak out, some don’t. Some are way freakier than we are, so I like that you opened with safety and admitting that you had shame around them, not trying to put a mask on it or a face on it. That's cool. I like that.

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Alex:

Yeah. Just to briefly address the; some women are freakier than us and some are less cool or more cool, we're all incredibly freaky. The reality, the truth of us, the depth of us below all the layers of repression and weirdness and societal brain-beating that we've gotten is that we're all super-duper freaky, and that super-duper freaky is always (at some level) fun to expose and to explore, even if you don’t do it. Just explore the possibility of it and to the degree that she has shame. She will be less freaky (and to the degree that she has more shame than you) she'll be less freaky. But the truth of it is that it's all in all of us; all of it is in all of us. We're animals. It's all in there.

Adam:

That is true. Okay. Let's jump (there's a lot we could do, so I want to make sure we cover a few things that I know most of the men are concerned about) there's a lot you have on boldness in terms of sexuality, how to handle a woman, how to please a woman in the bedroom, on the floor, in the kitchen, outside, in the car, everywhere. But really, the bold sexuality (I don’t want to get too much into that now)\ because guys can really read about that.) But what I do want to talk about, (most men that I work with and probably you work with), are uncomfortable about how to bring sexuality in with a woman when they first meet them, how to introduce sexuality. And I wonder what your perspective is on this about bringing sexuality into interactions with women in a way that's comfortable. I don’t want to say the word "comfortable" but exciting and safe and not creepy.

Alex:

You know, boldly and immediately. It's the hidden agenda that's creepy.

Adam:

Yes, exactly.

Alex:

The rapey vibe is the kind of the hiddenness of it. That is the rapey vibe. There's no rapey vibe to being bold and authentic. There is no rapey vibe to walking up to a woman and say, "my God, you're fucking beautiful" and going for the kiss immediately. There is the possibility that she's going to go, "fuck, you're ugly, you've got bad breath and I don’t like you" and to the degree that you can laugh about that and enjoy your boldness is the degree to which she and you will be best friends after that. There's no physical attraction, but fuck, he's awesome! There's a real benefit to not hiding and pretending that you want to be her friend, in sort of this, she probably will be freaked out by my sexuality. So what I'm going to do is I'm going to go up and kind of be her friend and then over the course of time, I'll pretend that I'm absolutely noticing that she's attractive, or sucking up to her and doing the, "You're so pretty," which, by the way, I think is better. In many ways, it's a little closer to the truth.

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But what's really true, what's really bold is to just walk up to her and like, "I'm a man. I noticed you have a vagina." If that's in your mind and that's what's real for you, then (you don’t necessarily need to use those words though) I think it might be funny and charming, but it's certainly the vibe that you could walk forth with. There are two pieces to this. Most of the men that I talk to are actually in relationships and I know I'm no pickup guru, but I've always had success (I don’t know if success is the right word) I've always powerfully connected with women who I met immediately when I was in a place of boldness in myself where I felt sexually free and sexual, masculine. I think it's fair to say that you don’t need to be bold all the time because nobody is. There are times when you have an off night and you feel a little shy. You feel less capable of the great, bold action and the great bold thought because you're just not on that night. That's okay. That's totally fine. If you added 2% more boldness to your life and you got it right just a little bit at a time, that little bit at a time would create a beautiful sexual reality for you. That's the way it's always been for me. It occurs to me that many times I've been out and I've seen a beautiful woman and I have not been bold and I went home alone. That happens. Or I met a woman who I wasn't bold with and then later, I realized I wasn't bold with her. I need to revisit that. Maybe I know that she was hanging out with somebody who I knew and I arrange to see her again and go for more boldness next time. When I say boldness, I mean the courage to be completely authentic, to just be what's real. And the more that you can do that, really get to the depth of what's really real (not just pussying out and being partially real) but getting all the way there, that works 100% of the time. But the question is, what percentage can you get into that authentic truth? Sometimes it's only halfway there. That's usually enough. Like I said, you don’t need to be perfect at this. You just need to add a little bit. Adam:

Yes, I agree. I want to ask you something. It's touching on something you said. Immediately and strongly and with full masculine force, I'm a male animal, you're a female animal. Having that energy, it's not just a matter of words. It's obviously a matter of body language (and we'll talk about that in other parts of this program) but one thing I want to ask you specifically (and I know you and I are similar in this way and I would love it if more men were like this) when you think about sexuality with a woman, when you go out. I went out last night as I'm currently today in Medellín, Colombia, where went to a club. I can't even begin to describe how many incredibly beautiful women there were. It's just off the charts here. The energy of talking to women, of, "I want to get some," which is what most

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men sort of instinctively, hormonally feel, and instead switching that to, "I want to give some," instead of "I want to get some pleasure. I want to give some pleasure." I think it's so much more powerful and so much more attractive to women when they can sense that you want to give them pleasure. That it's not about you getting something for yourself (frankly, I think it's more pleasurable as a man to pleasure women). I truly think there's more pleasure in pleasuring women than getting pleasure for myself. That's my particular approach, but I'd love to hear what you have to say about when you get really skilled sexually, just like you get skilled in tennis or computer programming or anything else, it's a human activity like anything else. When you guys read Alex's book, when you look at Erotic Mastery and really feel confident about your ability to sexually connect and your sexual skills, your actual physical sexual skills, your energy kind of changes. And when you approach a woman, it's that much more powerful; "I am here kind of in your service" - I would love to hear what you have to say, Alex, about bringing that kind of energy and specifically how to communicate that physically and with words. Alex:

Awesome! First of all, I agree and second, I want to throw a little curve ball at you because there's a piece that I've noticed in working with men sexually and with their sexual shame. As I said, a lot of the men that I work with are married for years and there's just no sexual chemistry left in their relationship and they're trying to decode how to get a woman aroused, a woman that knows you well. They've been in the bathroom after you - they know -they know you're not perfect. So one of the things that occurs to me in this little piece is that a lot of men really get that they really want to give women pleasure to the extent that they almost lead with that too much and they forget that (you're writing a book on this subject right now. And we were just talking about this idea) it's easier for people to give than to receive. It's much easier to say, "here, we've got some pizza. Have a piece," than have a stranger or somebody who you want to become friends with say, "here, have a piece of pizza," and you're kind of like, "oh no, that's okay, I already ate." It's actually harder to receive. It takes more self-esteem to receive than to give. It's easy to give because then they'll like me. I want to just draw attention to the fact, particularly for men feeling shame around sexuality and having difficulty in that boldness department that women love to give, too. Most men, they love to make a woman come. You want to make her come hard. You want to make her squirt all over the fucking room. You

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want to make her flop like a fish and just go crazy, scream the walls down. "That was great sex. You rock!" We all want that, right? But what we forget is that's what women want to do to us. Women want nothing more than a man who can be turned on by them, who's willing to see them as a sexual creature. I hate to use this word, but I'll use this because it's right. They want a man who's ready to use them for sex, who's ready to see them as somebody who can really turn them on and give to them. Women want to serve you. They want to make you come really hard. They want to give you the best blowjob you've ever had in your life and make your eyes roll back in your head. When you show up as a guy who's not ashamed to receive that, that's huge, so I just want to balance that with showing up as a good receiver is confident and bold as well. I would say that the perfect compromise here is to show up, not necessarily with the vibe of, "how can you serve me today, bitch?" and not so much with the vibe of, "I am going to blow your mind. I am the sex master," but to show up with, "let's have some fun together. You and me, we can have some fucking fun." Adam:

That's great. I love that, yeah. We'll boldly receive as well as boldly give.

Alex:

Hell yeah! We're going to play. We're going to roll around like puppies. We're going to have a ball. You and I are going to experience the edge of how much pleasure human bodies can take.

Adam:

I love it. I'll give just a little example, because everybody likes real examples. I've said this years ago and this was more of a playful mode. Years ago when I was in a post-divorce insanity phase, I was with a woman and we were in bed and I just said to her, "I bet you can't make me come." Now, it's kind of a playful way of being bold. I said, "bring it on. What do you got? Come on." Guess what happens? She tried really hard. So that's a playful version of what you're talking about, being a really bold receiver.

Alex:

Yeah because it takes boldness to make a stand and say, "yeah, give me, serve me, woman."

Adam:

And really accept, like really accept. You don’t have to do anything. I forget the comedian, maybe Chris Rock, who says, "the great thing about blow jobs, it involves men's two favorite things, getting sex and not having to do anything." So it's okay to receive. I love that. I'm really glad you brought up all the receiving. Okay. What else would you like to leave guys with in terms of boldness and sexuality? Just give us a couple more gems before we wrap up.

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Alex:

Well, I'd love to wrap this around to guys in relationships because I feel like we've been talking more towards how to bring this into your early interactions with a woman. I think that it's really showing up as that guy in relationship and not losing it, not looking at boldness as a device to get pussy, not looking at boldness as a device to get a woman into bed, but really understanding that when you're in bed with a woman whether for the first time or the thousandth time, that fear of, "is what I'm doing working? If I touch her here, is that going to feel good to her? I have this mad desire right now to..." I don’t know, whatever, lick her toes or her armpit, or "I have this mad desire to throw her on her belly and fuck her from this position." Whatever that shows up in you and then you feel that, "oh, would that be acceptable to her?" that fear thing is what's between you and being great in bed. Women love it when you're sexually expressed because the hardest thing for a woman in terms of having an orgasm, (particularly women who struggle with having orgasms at all), the hardest thing for them is being sexually expressed and their shame around being sexually expressed. There are a lot of women who are kind of in that middle ground where they only have an orgasm sometimes and only with certain men - that certain man is a bold man, not a safe man.

Adam:

Or a vibrator.

Alex:

Well, right. But when it's with men, it occurs to a woman who has difficulty having an orgasm exactly as it occurs to a man who has difficulty getting an erection. And every man at one time or another has been in some high pressure situation with some woman or other who he felt threatened in some way and really felt he needed to perform, and suddenly he discovers, "oh shit, I can't get it up." That being in your head (of being concerned about being acceptable) that making your dick soft is exactly what women go through in terms of being able to have an orgasm to the degree that you feel like a woman calls you forth, that it's easy and fun and it's totally cool to be naked in front of her and to get hard and it's all good. It's the same thing for her to have an orgasm. You're being sexually expressed, just being okay with your sexuality, being bold about it and saying, "oh, it would be fun for me to do this," or not worry so much, "is this going to work on her?" Or like when you go down on her you're worried about, "am I doing the clit right?" but rather to go down there and go, "oh, this is delicious and I'm going to enjoy this. I love that pussy," to the degree that you can be sexually

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expressed, you free her. You make it okay for her to be sexually expressed. She gets that you're not ashamed and she doesn’t have to be ashamed, and that there's no weirdness and you're not little Irving trying too hard. (I'm sorry if your name is Irving, by the way, sorry. That was bad). "Is this okay? Does that feel all right? Do you mind that? Does that feel weird to you? Is that okay? Did you make that noise because it felt good or because it felt yucky?" That guy she can't have an orgasm with because that emotion is contagious; it infects her. So sexually with a woman, being expressed, being bold in that moment is what frees her not just by having orgasm, but then to be expressed enough to have a deep, deep orgasm, to be expressed enough to scream, to be expressed enough to literally not, "oh no, God, I feel like I might have to pee and so I need to hold back squirting," but to really be completely like, "It's all good" because you're bold enough to be all good. Your boldness frees her boldness. You led the way for her. You showed her what was possible, and she is going to love you for that. She's going to want to be with you for that. She can't wait for round two with you for that. You could pretty maturely ejaculate, but be bold doing it and she'll be like, "Wow! I can't wait to get another chance to do this so that next time, he'll last longer" She'll be enthusiastic about you and that's true after 40 years of marriage. That's what's true later, too, that being bold enough to take your wife and to say, "yeah, let's just fuck and have some fun here. I want to do this. I want to do that. I saw this crazy thing. Let's try that," and not be ashamed. Boldness works on every level and it allows you to really be okay with you, and that's the most attractive thing in the world. Adam:

And that allows her to be okay with her. I hope everybody heard that. Your boldness sexually allows her, gives her the permission, and she may be looking for that. It gives her the permission.

Alex:

She's definitely looking for that, yeah.

Adam:

Some women I know don’t need permission (which I love them) but allow most women, too. So I want to kind of end on that really important note that your sexual boldness allows her to express her sexual boldness. Alex, we're going to put a link here for your work, "Revolutionary Sex". Obviously, I really want everyone to have a look at this. It's great work. Alex has done a lot of deep thought and a lot of practice and a lot of

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coaching on how to help men and women actually bring out their bold sexuality, so check that out. What is it? It's a book and probably some other stuff. What else is over there? Alex:

It's a book and some other stuff, yeah. There's the book. There's another audio of some really edgy, edgy stuff that after they read the book they might want to get into, that I think will push men into a deeper exploration of what's possible in sexuality. There's also a book just on initiating sex. When I was done with my book, I realized that one of the key movers to having great sex is being able to get through that arousal phase and I think, particularly, for men relationships, but also for men in that early dating zone where you haven't had sex for the first time yet, but to not make it awkward or wonder, but to actually initiate sex in a way that makes her like, "yeah, cool! Let's have sex" and get her aroused in a smooth way. That was missing from the original book. I wrote a second book about that, and added that to it. And there's also "Passionate Lover, Passionate Life". I think maybe we should cement to that. That's a more advanced work that's really more for men in relationship. I think you'll appreciate this, Adam. That work came out of my reading of Deida.

Adam:

Yup, David Deida.

Alex:

His thing is that the way you fuck your life is the way you fuck your woman and vice versa, really riding profoundly with me. The whole program is based on how to fuck your life better and fuck your woman better and where those parallels are and exercises you could do.

Adam:

I'll put a link. I actually forgot about that. I'm still thinking about sex. I love that program, by the way. It is great. Most guys know who David Deida is, "The Way of the Superior Man", "Intimate Communion". All his books are amazing. I was his business partner for two years, so I worked very closely with him. What Alex also means by how you fuck your life, it doesn’t mean how you fuck your life up. He means how you literally penetrate the world with your will is how you penetrate your woman. So yeah, I'll put links to both of those because they're both really about living boldly. Alex, you're one of the few people I think who really interpret it that well.

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Excellent work! Always great talking to you. Everybody, get his stuff. It's the best investment that you can make in your life. Alex, thank you so much. I will catch up to you in person somewhere soon in some city somewhere. Alex:

On the world, no doubt, buddy. Always a pleasure to talk.

Adam:

All right, always great. Thanks everybody. Thanks, Alex. Grab his stuff. It will literally change how you live your life. See you, Alex.

[0:24:15]

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