May 26, 2011 ... BOUNDARIES: WHEN TO SAY YES, WHEN TO SAY NO, TO. TAKE CONTROL
OF YOUR LIFE ; 過猶不及. AUTHOR: HENRY CLOUD, JOHN ...
BOOK REVIEWS: -=* 過猶不及 *=-=* BOUNDARIES *=- When to Say YES - How to Say NO - To Take Control of Your Life
Prepared by Albert Wu on 5/26/2011
BOUNDARIES: WHEN TO SAY YES, WHEN TO SAY NO, TO TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE ; 過猶不及 AUTHOR: HENRY CLOUD, JOHN TOWNSEND
作者：亨利‧克勞德等/著 譯者：蔡岱安 出版社：道聲 出版日期：2004年10月18日 語言：繁體中文 ISBN：
1885216319 裝訂：平裝
TABLE OF CONTENTS
PART I WHAT ARE BOUNDARIES?
A Day in a Boundaryless Life What Does a Boundary Look Like? Boundary Problems How Boundaries Are Developed Ten Laws of Boundaries Common Boundary Myths
PART II BOUNDARY CONFLICTS
Boundaries Boundaries Boundaries Boundaries Boundaries Boundaries Boundaries
and and and and and and and
Your Family Your Friends Your Spouse Your Children Work Your Self God
PART III DEVELOPING HEALTHY BOUNDARIES
Resistance to Boundaries How to Measure Success with Boundaries A Day in a Life with Boundaries
WHAT DOES A BOUNDARIES LOOK LIKE?
Examples of Boundaries
Skin Words Truth Geo distance Emotional distance Time Other people Consequences
What’s within my boundaries?
Feelings Attitudes Beliefs Behaviors Choices Talents Values Limits Thoughts Desires Love
TO
HAVE BOUNDARIES,
OR NOT TO HAVE BOUNDARIES?
Can I set limits and still be a loving person? What are legitimate boundaries? What if someone is upset or hurt by my boundaries? How do I answer someone who wants my time, love, energy, or money? Aren't boundaries selfish? Why do I feel guilty or afraid when I consider setting boundaries? How do boundaries relate to submission? Aren’t boundaries selfish?
BOUNDARY PROBLEMS CAN’T SAY
CAN’T SAY
NO
The Compliant 屈從者 Feels guilty and/or controlled by others; can’t set boundaries
The Controller 操縱者 Aggressively or manipulatively violates boundaries of others
YES
The Nonresponsive 封閉者 Set boundaries against responsibility to love
The Avoidant 迴避者 Sets boundaries against receiving care of others
THE LAW
We do not have power over other people We hardly have enough power over ourselves
Respect 尊重律
We are responsible to, not for each other. We are to love one another, not be one another.
Power 能力律
Our actions have consequences. Someone will bear them. Don’t interrupt this law by regularly bailing others out.
Responsibility 責任律
BOUNDARIES I
Sowing and Reaping 因果律
OF
If we wish our boundaries to be respected we must respect those of others For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.
Motivation 動機律
We must be free to say no before we can wholeheartedly say yes. “Acts of love” are worthless if we don’t feel to have a choice
THE LAW
OF
BOUNDARIES II
Evaluation 評估律 We need to evaluate the effects our boundaries cause others Hurt and harm are not the same – pain may eventually lead to growth
Proactivity 積極律 Boundaries must express what you stand for , not just what you are against Solve problems on the basis of your values, wants, and needs
Envy 嫉妒律 We will never get what we want if we focus on what others have Envy keeps us empty and unfulfilled
Activity 活動律 We need to take the initiative to solve our problems Don’t wait for your spouse to go the first step
Exposure 顯露律 Boundaries must be communicated Otherwise they are invisible to others
COMMON BOUNDARY MYTHS I
If I set boundaries, I’m being selfish. 我會不會是自私？
Boundaries are a sign of disobedience.我會不會是不服從？
No, people without boundaries are compliant on the outside, and resentful on the inside. We can be honest and tell the truth.
If I begin setting boundaries, I will be hurt by others.我會 不會被傷害？
No, appropriate boundaries actually increase our ability to take care of others. “Selfish” fixates on our own desires; “stewardship” acknowledges our responsibility to manage the life entrusted to our care.
Perhaps, since you cannot control the reactions of others. When you set a boundary, others may attack or withdraw. We have no right to control their reaction. Our responsibility is to control our own lives.
If I set boundaries, I will hurt others.我會不會傷害別人？
No, boundaries are not an offensive weapon, they’re defensive tools. They do no harm, they just protect the treasures of their owner.
COMMON BOUNDARY MYTHS II 5.
Boundaries mean that I am angry.我會不會是在生氣？
6.
When others set boundaries, it injures me.別人會不會傷害我？
7.
No, lack of boundaries hurts people, especially in childhood. The Golden Rule helps us respect each others boundaries.
Boundaries cause feelings of guilt.我會不會有罪惡感？
8.
No, anger is an early warning system that something is wrong, and helps us move forward to solve problems. Boundaries decrease anger.
No, feeling an obligation to others may make us give in to avoid feeling guilty. We can be grateful for gifts received, without thinking we owe some nonexistent debt in return.
Boundaries are permanent, and I’m afraid of burning my bridges.我會不會是在過河拆橋？
No, “it’s a woman’s prerogative to change her mind,” the old saying asserts (and men, too)! You own your boundaries and you can change them.
STEPS 1. 2.
3. 4. 5. 6.
FOR A
HEALTHY BOUNDARIES I
Resentment – our early-warning signal A change of tastes – becoming drawn to boundary-lovers Joining the family Treasuring our treasures Practicing baby NO’s Rejoicing in the guilty feelings
STEPS
FOR A
HEALTHY BOUNDARIES II
7.Practicing
grownup NO’s 8.Rejoicing in the absence of guilty feelings 9.Loving the boundaries of others 10.Feeling our NO and our YES 11.Mature boundaries – value-driven goal setting
BOUNDARIES
TEXT ON WEB
http://www.google.com/search?sourceid=navclie nt&ie=UTF8&rlz=1T4GGLL_enUS372US372&q=boundaries+site: www.cs.cornell.edu
Q & A
