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HOW TO CREATE A LOVE CONTRACT SAY "I DO" AGAIN EVERY YEAR –– AND MEAN IT!
from the Love Lab at
Married with Luggage www.MarriedwithLuggage.com
a relationship needs to evolve
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The most important social contract you'll ever make is with your partner. You say, "I do" and declare your undying love for each other. And then you're expected to honor that vow for decades, without question...til death do you part. But if you look at it logically, especially in light of so many relationship failures, this is not a wise plan. No other contracts work this way, and there's a good reason for it. Can you imagine a business contract like that? We change. Our needs change. Our situations change. And our relationships have to be able to change, too. An Annual Love Contract allows you to evaluate and update your relationship every single year so that you can enjoy a long and happy union together.
Would you say yes again today?
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Knowing what you know now about your partner, yourself, and what a committed relationship is like, would you still choose your mate all over again today? On the flip side, would your partner choose you? If those questions don't give you pause, then you can skip this entire lesson. You don't need it. But for the rest of us, those who sometimes experience doubt, frustration, and exhaustion within a relationship, keep reading. We have good news. You can recreate the enthusiasm and commitment you had on the day you decided to spend your life together, no matter how many years ago that was. The answer is an Annual Love Contract, and we're going to show you how to do it.
happily ever after is a fairy tale
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You remember that day. You looked into each other's eyes and said, "I can't live without you." And you meant it at the time. But the heady mix of pheromones, love, and excitement don't stay top of mind in a world with jobs, commutes, housework, bills, and family obligations. Life is not a fairy tale, and neither is your relationship. If you're reading this, then you already came to that conclusion. So instead of depending on that wedding or move-in day enthusiasm to carry you through decades of life together, we'd like to propose something a little more practical: The Annual Love Contract.
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Imagine that you each have an attorney speaking for you. The topic is the state of your relationship and how you want it to look in the next year. There is no crying, nagging, or name-calling. Remember, you paid these guys a lot of money to plead your case to get what you want. But like any negotiation, there is some compromise. Everyone has to give a little to get a little. Plus, we all want to see that we're building something valuable, a worthy investment for our time and energy. At the end of the negotiation, you have a list of relationship assets, liabilities, and an agreed-upon plan to make it stronger. Your lawyers shake hands. Now replace the lawyers with yourselves, and you've got The Annual Love Contract.
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1. Set a Date
The big negotiation is annually, enough time for positive trends to build and goals to be reached. You can pick any date you like: * Anniversary * New Year's Day * Valentine's Day * A completely arbitrary date that has no other significance in your life. Remember, this is your negotiation. You get to make the rules – together. The most important thing about picking a date for your Annual Love Contract is making time without distractions.
How to create your love contract 2. Name the Place Picnic Walk t n a r u a Rest Cafe ing e o n a C ur o H y Happ zing a G r Sta t e s n u /S e s i r n Su ???
A distraction-free zone allows you to focus on each other and your relationship. Pick a quiet place, preferably away from your home. Neutral ground. A place that makes you both feel good. Make sure you're both rested, relatively stress-free, and ready and willing to talk. And for heaven's sake, turn off your phone. The most important thing is to find a place free of distractions so you can focus on the most important relationship in your life.
How to create your love contract 3. set the intention we e r o Bef ... t r a t s
The Annual Love Contract negotiation is a discussion on how to reduce the negatives and enhance the positives in your relationship. This isn't a laundry list of all the ways you've failed each other. It isn't a blame game, either.
Hug ion t n e t * Start with a hug. Remember, this is a loving In s ' u yo e conversation. v o L t h i t i * Tell each other that you truly want to make your w k c i t e S g relationship better. a u g n a ul l f p l e H * Say your I love you's
Promise not to raise your voice, get mad, become a drama king/queen, or walk away until it is done. * Vow to use loving and helpful language throughout. *
When you set the expectation of teamwork, you will work together as a team.
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4. What's Going well?
Tell your partner what is working for you, the things you want to continue. We like to know when we’re doing something right, and when appreciation is shown we’re inclined to continue doing it. Or even do it more. Ask your partner what is working for him or her. You might be surprised by this answer. As above, make sure that you keep this top of mind so you can continue to delight your partner this way. It's easier to stay on track and take constructive criticism later if you start with the positive. Remember why you're here: to strengthen your relationship. Starting with a feel-good inventory puts you on the right track. Gimme some more, please!
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5. What Could be Better?
Discuss the things that are not working in your relationship. An action your partner does or does not do that diminishes your happiness * A negative trend in your relationship * Outside influences or activities that impact your happiness *
Take turns to talk without interruption, stating your points of dissatisfaction. Remember, this is not a laundry list of everything you don't like. This is a list of what is impacting your level of satisfaction in the relationship. Speak and listen with love. Your partner is going out on a limb to say these things because he/she wants to improve your relationship.
How to create your love contract 6. will you recommit?
Knowing you can walk away at the end of each year makes working on your relationship a top priority. You don't take each other or your union for granted. Yes! Yes!
You're only in it as long as you both work at it. And who wants to be in a relationship where there is no daily effort to make each other happy?) (
At this stage, you have to honestly ask each other if you're ready to say "I Do" for another year. Will you recommit to each other? This is when you choose each other again, knowing your assets and imperfections and vowing to work together over the next year. Say it out loud: "I choose you for one more year." And mean it!
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7. The one-year love contract
Now that you've agreed to work together, it's time to get to the details! What can you do to maximize the positives you already mentioned? * What can you do to reduce or eliminate the negatives? * What lifestyle or attitude changes do you need to adopt as a couple, and how will you do it? *
Remember, you can't solve everything overnight. Small regular actions are far more powerful than occasional giant leaps. When you've made your plan, verbally or on paper, you must state out loud to your partner what you'll do to improve the relationship in the coming year. Your word to your partner is your promise.
how we use the love contract
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We've been using the Annual Love Contract since 2006, from the lowest point of trust and happiness to the peak we share now. We've committed to changing our health together and have lost a combined 80 pounds. We actively work to stay healthy for each other. Our sex life improved when we had open conversations about what/when/how we wanted it. Our finances improved when we made goals together. It's a lot easier to save money or pay off bills when you agree on why and how you're doing it. The division of work in our household and business is mutual. No one feels taken advantage of anymore. Best of all, we are 100% partners, completely devoted to the success of our relationship. And we both know it and show it.
how we use the love contract
Every year on our anniversary, we make a date to negotiate. We like to do it outside with Mother Nature, usually on a walk at sunrise. y r i a f e r o m No tales. so s i y Realit r! e t e e w s h c mu
We bring a little notebook to write down key actions, and by the time we get back from our negotiation (which usually takes between 1-2 hours), we enjoy a nice breakfast or brunch together. It is a beautiful and powerful way to start another year of life together. There is nothing more romantic than knowing your partner loves, trusts, and supports you and will actively work to make you happy. You can't help but the do the same. That is the magic of The Annual Love Contract. It takes the fairy tale out of love, but it guarantees your happily ever after. Because when you work as a team, almost nothing is out of reach.
Further Resources
Find out more about the Annual Love Contract here: http://www.marriedwithluggage.com/love-contract/ lf e s r u o Align y es l p u o with c to ing k r o ir w e h t n the g n e r st to s p i h s n o i t a l e r y a t s d an n r a le ! d e r i p ins
Want to read more from the Love Lab at Married with Luggage? Get our latest book in print or ebook. Equal parts travel memoir and love story, find out how a political coup in South America, icy storms off the coast of Antarctica, and herding goats in the Gobi Desert (among other things) changed us Buy Now forever. Married with Luggage is for people who enjoy adventurous travel, those who want an inside peek at how an unconventional couple lives, and anyone who enjoys a good old-fashioned love story. Find out more at MarriedwithLuggage.com/thebook
About the Authors
Betsy and Warren Talbot are the authors of four books, including Married with Luggage: What We Learned About Love by Traveling the World. They host the popular Married with Luggage podcast, a weekly conversation with experts around the world on love, sex, and communication in today’s modern relationships. When they aren’t traveling the world, you can find them writing their next book in a small, whitewashed village in Spain. Find out more at MarriedwithLuggage.com.
