Nah, was supposed to take Emma, you know that blonde girl in my year, but she
fucked me off for Shane, the other day. VICKI. What a Bitch! Well it's alright to go ...
Sarah Roberts TWOS By Sarah Roberts Characters MATT - 16 VICKI - 14 BEAV - 16 1. Setting; A park bench. MATT and VICKI are sat apart on a park bench. Both have been sitting there for a while and are slightly drunk, MATT is sipping from a two litre bottle of cider. MATT (Holding out the bottle of cider). Want a drink? VICKI (Taking the bottle). Yer, thanks. VICKI takes a sip of the cider. What is it? MATT. Cider … Strongbow. VICKI. You’ve splashed out. Giggles. Who got ya that? MATT. Err, I got it myself, just walked straight into Lidl. Matey man, didn’t say a thing. VICKI. Alright hard-nut …You’ll have to get mine next time. MATT. Well, they don’t do Lambrini babe. MATT laughs. VICKI. Ha ha fucking ha. VICKI takes another sip of the cider; she drinks too fast and spills some of the liquid down her face.
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MATT. You’re downing that a bit aint ya? … You trying to get drunk or something? MATT takes the bottle back and drinks himself. VICKI. No, just having a good time… Looks like your on-it as much as me. MATT (Slurring). Yeah, well I can handle my drink. VICKI. Errr, I don’t think so babe, you’re starting to slur! VICKI laughs. MATT. Whatever … Who invited you here tonight anyway, you’re not in my year. I thought only leavers were out. VICKI. Holly invited me… MATT. Yer well you … VICKI (Angrily). Well what? This is a public park ya know! You can’t tell people where they can and can’t go! Silence. MATT. You’re quite fit when you’re angry. VICKI. Quite? Yeah, well you’re alright yourself … When you’re not being a knobhead! MATT and VICKI move closer together on the bench. VICKI. Are you going prom? I heard Mr James banned you? MATT. Nah, he can’t ban me! Not my fault I called him a dickhead… He is one! Both laugh loudly, both turn to face each other. MATT. I ve just gotta apologise to him on the day. VICKI. Aww ok, so are you gonna take anyone? MATT (Looking away). Nah, was supposed to take Emma, you know that blonde girl in my year, but she fucked me off for Shane, the other day. VICKI. What a Bitch! Well it’s alright to go on your own … You going BEAV’S after-party? MATT. Yeah, I’ll be there… Me and the boys are gonna get smashed!
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VICKI. Yeah, me and Holly are bopping over, should be a good night… MATT. Yeah … Will be if you’re their. VICKI. Bit of a cringe that was! Vicki and Matt lean in to kiss each other. Over the music drunken shouts can be heard all directed at VICKI and MATT. “OI OI SAVALOY, GET IN THEY MY SON, GET HER NICKERS OFF, YOU SHLAGGGGGG!” MATT and VICKI separate quickly. MATT (Shouting). DERKHEADS! VICKI. Init! Silence. MATT. So… Silence. Are you a virgin? VICKI (Spluttering). You what? … Bit personal … And NO! MATT. Aww ok then …Good. VICKI. Good? MATT. (Smiling) Yeah, just good. Reaching into her bag, VICKI produces her cigarettes and a lighter. VICKI. Want Twos? MATT. Yeah, alright then. VICKI and MATT smoke in silence, first VICKI, who smokes half the cigarette then passes it over to MATT who smokes it till the cigarette has finished. MATT. You drunk? VICKI. Nah. Silence.
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MATT. So you wanna? VICKI. Wanna what? MATT leans in and Kisses VICKI, VICKI goes to push him away, then pushes him back on the bench and straddles him. Lights down.
The park bench, 5 minutes later. MATT and VICKI are both in a state of undress. VICKI is looking around, trying to find her top, she looks self-conscious. MATT is pulling his trousers back on and looks pleased with himself. The cider bottle is empty on its side, on the floor.
MATT. So… VICKI. Yer so … MATT laughs awkwardly, VICKI stays silent and looks straight ahead. A long silence follows. VICKI lights a cigarette. MATT. So … That was good! VICKI. Erm, yeah … It was good. MATT. Are you okay? Was I bad? VICKI. NO! … I m fine, you were fine, everything is fine! MATT. Well… You were good if that helps? VICKI. Yep, thanks for that, you have made my night! MATT. Alright, fucking hell … No need to get all shitty! MATT reaches for the cider bottle and picks it up. Realising it’s empty he throws it off the stage. MATT (Under his breath). Fucking empty. Silence MATT. So … You out next week?
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VICKI. I dunno, I don’t make plans in advance… MATT. Yeah, alright then. Silence. VICKI. Sorry … Twos? MATT accepts the cigarette, leaning in closer to VICKI and placing his hand on the bench whilst doing so. MATT. For what babe, I like you, you like me so we… MATT suddenly looks at his hand, dropping the cigarette in the process. MATT. Hang on VICKI … Is that …blood? MATT waves his hand in VICKI face. VICKI (Shooting up off the bench). Errrr… Yer, whatever MATT, I ve gotta go, curfew. My Aunty will go mental if I’m late, see you around or something, yeah… VICKI grabs her bag and runs off stage. MATT, looks confused and shout’s after her. MATT. VICKI, WHAT THE FUCK! Silence. MATT. Seriously, what the fuck?
Lights down.
2. Setting; Outside Lidl. MATT and BEAV, are sitting outside Lidl on shopping trolleys. Both Hung-over and looking bored. BEAV. Mate, I’m hanging!
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Sarah Roberts MATT. Ha, yer well, you should be ya knobber, you drank a litre of vodka or something last night didn’t ya? BEAV. More like two mate… I was fucked! MATT. Yer well, I heard you went for a little whitey walk… MATT laughs. BEAV. Fuck off did I! … You wouldn’t know anyway, you were off shagging Vickding! BEAV laughs. MATT Punches BEAV on the shoulder, BEAV punches him back laughing, they carry on having this ‘dead arm’ competition, until MATT holds his hands up in surrender. MATT. How do you know anyway, you weren’t even around? BEAV. Holly told me, said VICKI was acting all weird, then just let it slip that you’d fucked. MATT. Weird? … Fuck off, she’s the weird one! BEAV. Oh, care that she was acting weird, probably because you banged her so hard she was fucking limping! BEAV starts laughing, MATT doesn’t and pushes him off the trolleys. BEAV falls to the floor. BEAV. OIII, you nearly killed me you knob! BEAV climbs back up onto the trolleys. Silence. BEAV. What’s your fucking problem? MATT. I aint got a problem mate! … Your just annoying me, that’s all. BEAV. Yer well, no need to try and kill me about it… Silence. What happened with you and her then?
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Sarah Roberts MATT. As she said, we fucked. BEAV. Aww well sounds good… Erm, was it good? MATT. No! BEAV. Really? I thought she would of bin a right/ MATT. /Well she wasn’t, she was sloppy, saggy and bloody and anything else that makes sex shit, she’s a fucking bucket minge! Silence. BEAV. Bloody? Silence. BEAV (Laughing hysterically). Bucket minge? MATT. Yeah well, whatever, she didn’t tell me she was a fucking virgin, and then she just ran off … BEAV. She fucking ran off hahahahaha… MATT. Yer well, whatever… she said her Aunty gave her a curfew so... BEAV. Yer, she left cause of that, you knob head… Beav imitates a girl’s voice. Oh I’m just going to sleep with you MATT, on a dirty park bench, lose my virginity to you, but I have to be in at 10, sozzy !!! MATT. Shut up BEAV. BEAV. HA, Gutted, you were blatantly shit mate… Why she with her aunty any way, I thought her mum was out? MATT. How the fuck should I know… BEAV. Errr, you should fucking know mate, now she’s your new bird, or maybe you should just ask your dad? BEAV laughs. MATT. Errr, do you wanna fuck off Beav. BEAV. Do I look like I wanna fuck off mate, still abit funny about dad banter, you need to grow a pair mate it common knowledge you dad likes fucking/
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Sarah Roberts MATT. /Fuck off Beav! BEAV. Don’t tell me to fuck off … Pftttt can’t take a bit of banter about you old man shagging round with the local crack head, shlagggggggggg! MATT(Pushing BEAV off the trollies). Fuck off BEAV! Beav. OI! Beav stands up and walks towards matt. BEAV. Nah mate, it’s not my fault you dad likes, dutty fanny that everyone’s had a go on… Like mother like daughter I fucking hear, Slaggy Maggie, is that what you used to call her instead of step mummy? Bet even you had a go on her … MATT Pushes BEAV in the chest. Beav recovers and walks towards Matt aggressively. He stands in front of him, shouting in his face. BEAV. Fucking come on then you pussy… What, you not man enough to back up your own actions eh?!... Think you can push me? (BEAV pokes matt in the shoulder) Think you can fucking push me!… Try and push me again dick-head! ….Little cunt, I ll fucking smash you up mate! BEAV pushes MATT hard in the chest. He falls back. When Matt stands up he turns away from BEAV. BEAV (Smiling). Fucking derk. Silence MATT (Sarcastically).Yer alright then. BEAV. What did you say?...You know what though mate…The thing I can’t believe… Is that girl was a fucking virgin ha! MATT (Looks away). Yer, well neither did I mate. BEAV (Looking at MATT). Mate, what you fucking crying for! … You banged Vickiding, the one and only Vicki-ding … Bucket minge or not … Then to make it even better, you stole her V-plates … Without even knowing! ... You’re a fucking ledge mate. MATT (Looking up). Yer, Maybe … Well … Yeah actually … I got her fucking V plates … Haha, gutted VICKI, you can’t get them back!
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BEAV Punches MATT in the arm, they continue their ‘dead arm’ competition. Light down.
3. Setting: Vicki’s Bedroom. VICKI is sat alone in her bedroom, she is lying on her bed surrounded by magazines and smoking a cigarette. VICKI’S phone rings, she puts down the magazine she’s reading, cigarette still in hand and answers. VICKI. Alright babe… Yeah, I’m good, what you up to? … Is, you lucky bitch! My Aunty never takes me down town, probs cause I’ll rinse all her dollar… (Laughs) What you getting? … Aww yer, that sounds nice, you gonna wear it tonight? … Nah I’ m just gonna wear my trackies and that lace top… Fuck off is it too slutty (giggles) What time we meeting the boys? … Yer, 8 sounds good ... Nah, don’t have a curfew do I… Who?... Oh,shut up! ... Why’s he gonna be there? … Err, why have you even been talking to him? Nah, I aint happy about it … Yer, well your my mate remember… I aint seen him since … Yer, well … You what? Well, it’s just gonna be a cringe aint it … Nah, I don’t … Nah, I don’t still like him… I’m chatting to Shane now, aint I … You know I’ve always liked him… Well I can do whatever I want… Err, I aint being a slosh, thank you very much … Nah, he was chatting shit …
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Sarah Roberts Beav, can do one! Going on about blood and shit, that’s fucking butters, why would he wanna be chatting bout that! … Why are you asking me anyway? Well I weren’t a virgin was I … I told you about that house party… You know that house party, when I was in the toilet with that boy… Are you calling me a fucking liar… Well I aint lying! … Err, I wouldn’t do that … I aint making it up! What? Yer, well just cause I said that when I was pissed don’t mean nothing … I just forgot! … I said I just forgot, I was pissed… You trying to fucking wind me up or something? With all you fucking stupid questions! Look Holly, I aint fucking talking bout this no more, if you was my mate, then you would just… Shut the fuck up and believe me! … Yer well whatever … I said whatever… Are you fucking deaf? … I’ll see you tonight … I said I’ll fucking see you tonight… Yer, love you too you derk! VICKI puts the phone down and puts the cigarette out. Lights Down.
4. Setting; Outside Lidl. VICKI is on the phone, she is sitting on the trollies outside lidl. BEAV is watching from behind the trolleys. VICKI. Fucksake! ... Nah, no-one will get it for me… Oh shut up … Why don’t you get off your fat arse and come try… Yer whatever … Are you actually fucking kidding, course I aint gonna nick it form my Auntie’s house you knob! … Nah, I aint waiting much longer its fucking chilly dippers mate… (BEAV creeps up behind VICKI). BEAV (Grabbing Vicki’s shoulders).Alright Vick! VICKI. Fucking hell …Err Holly, I ll bell ya later.
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(VICKI puts the phone down) Errr what are you doing down here! BEAV. What are you, doing down here? VICKI. Trying to get alcohol, you derk! … Their something you want? BEAV. Is their something you want, Vick? (BEAV looks her up and down) VICKI. Er no, their aint nothing I want from you, mate! BEAV. Really? Cause I’m about to go get me some alcohol. You sure you don’t want none of that? VICKI. Ha, like fuck you get served! BEAV. Err, course I fucking do, only boy in our year that does. VICKI. Ha, yer alright then hard-nut, Matt gets served! BEAV. Errr, nah he fucking can’t, I get the alcohol! Silence VICKI. Aww, well he didn’t say that to me … Can you get me a bottle of vod then, five pound one. (VICKI gives Beav a five pound note) BEAV. Good Girl, hitting the hard stuff then, what I like to see… BEAV walks off stage, VICKI lights a cigarette and waits, checking her phone every few seconds. BEAV re- enters. VICKI. Took your time! BEAV. You taking the piss? (BEAV hands VICKI a large bottle of Vodka). VICKI. Err Beav, this is massive, I only gave you money for the five pound one. I aint got dollar or this!
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BEAV. Don’t worry babe, it’s a present from me, you don’t owe me nothing. VICKI. You sure? This is like a tenner extra or something? BEAV. I said don’t worry. VICKI. Erm, ok then… Silence BEAV (Pointing at her cigarette).You gonna share the wealth? VICKI. Oh shit yer, sorry. I ll get you a new one. BEAV. Nah, nah, I ll just have your two’s. VICKI. Erm yer, ok then. VICKI hands him the cigarette. BEAV takes a large drag of the cigarette and blow’s it in Vicki’s face. VICKI. OIIIIIII! BEAV. Oh shut up, you love it! VICKI. What? what’s that supposed to mean? BEAV. Nothing yer, nothing… Silence BEAV. So… You recovered from last week. VICKI. What?… Fuck off!… What you going on about? BEAV. I said … have you recovered from last week. I hear you were… Fucked! VICKI. Fuck off Beav! BEAV. Nah mate, so you can’t take banter as well… VICKI. What’s that supposed to mean? BEAV. Nothing mate, nothing.…. VICKI. Whatever Beav, I aint taking none of your shit, I know what you ve been saying, and you need to shut your fucking mouth mate…
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Sarah Roberts BEAV (Laughing). You gonna make me, I can smell bullshit from a mile away and you fucking stink love! VICKI. Fucking do one Beav, you don’t know shit mate! BEAV. I know more than you’d like, and you fucking know it! VICKI (Jumping down from the trollies). Fuck off beav! BEAV. Alright calm down, only winding you up babe, maybe you should have a sip of that voddy fucking hell… (VICKI looks at BEAV, then opens the vodka and takes a sip) VICKI. (Climbing back onto the trollies). You’re such a dickhead sometimes. BEAV. Really? Never been told that before! VICKI. Oh, what- fucking -ever! BEAV. Aww, and I thought you were starting to like me! VICKI. Err, what gave you that impression? BEAV. Well, you’re drinking my fucking vodka! VICKI. What you chatting about, I paid for this… BEAV. Yer, and I chipped in the extra tenner to make sure you had the best! VICKI. Yer, well I didn’t fucking ask you too. BEAV. Nah, it’s my fucking pleasure! VICKI. You said I didn’t owe you anything? BEAV. I know… I remember babe. Silence VICKI. Well I’m gonna go get Holly, so I’ll… (VICKI Starts to climb down from the trollies, Beav grabs her arm, stopping her) BEAV. Hang on, you aint going no where… VICKI. Errr you can’t tell people where then can or cant/ BEAV. /Yer I fucking can! … You aint going nowhere … With my vod!
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VICKI. Err, well I ll leave it with you then, I ll come find you later, when I ve got Holly. BEAV. Nah, nah, nah, I got a better idea, you stay hear with me. Holly will be fine … I don’t wanna drink this voddy on my own. I wanna get to know you, seeing as you my best pal’s new bird. VICKI. I aint his fucking bird. BEAV. Haha, Yer alright then. ( BEAV puts his arm around VICKI, he takes the bottle of vodka in his hand and feeds some vodka to her, Vicki chokes on the liquid) BEAV. Good girl. Lights down.
5. Setting; The park bench. MATT is sitting on the park bench, he’s drinking from a bottle of Lambrini. BEAV and VICKI enter holding hands, cuddling up to each other. Both are drunk. They see MATT on the bench and immediately separate. BEAV. Mate, what you doing over here? MATT (Looking him up and down).Yer, more like what you doing over here… Mate! BEAV (Smiling). I just came for a stroll mate, found VICKI on the way…You ok? Aint seen you all night? MATT. Yer I’m cool….. You too look nice and cosy, this your new bird? VICKI. Nah, I aint his new bird, what’s it to you anyway? VICKI sits down on the bench. MATT. It aint nothing to me, yer! BEAV (Laughing). Blatantly is mate. MATT. Shut up BEAV!
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BEAV. Alright mate, calm down! ... Don’t start crying again …So what have you been up to? … HA, drinking lambrini you fucking pussy! (BEAV Lights a cigarette) Well, this seems really fun … Yer, really fucking fun! ... Anyways I think I’ll leave you both to have a little chat, I am gonna go find Shane… I’ll see you in abit VICK! BEAV walks off quickly grabbing MATT’S Lambrini, spilling it over him, laughing at the same time. MATT (Jumping up). OI! VICKI. What?! MATT and VICKI look at each other, both angry and embarrassed. Silence. MATT. So … BEAV! VICKI. Yer, what about BEAV? MATT. Errrr, he’s my mate? VICKI. Errrrr so … We weren’t doing nothing, just come to sit down, didn’t realise you would be here. MATT. Yer, alright then VICKI, you just wanted to sit down … Fuck! You’re a right slosh aint ya! VICKI (Turning round to face MATT). What did you just call me? I Aint no fucking slosh! MATT (Laughing). Yer you are, Look at you! VICKI. HA, what do you mean look at me, that’s a fucking shit bit of banter, you prick! MATT (Turning on her). Shit, was it? … Well what I meant by it was, you look like you fucking mother! Silence. VICKI (Turning round). You what? MATT gets a cigarette from his pocket and lights it slowly.
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VICKI. Fucking say that again! MATT. I will … I said, you look like your dirty, skanky, crack-head of a mother, who sells her fucking smelly fanny to geezers for a fucking fiver …Who cheats and steals and fucking ends up inside, where she’s probably fucked every screw in their …Cause she’s fucking dirt mate and SHE FUCKING USES EVERYBODY! Vicki slaps Matt round the face. VICKI (Screaming). DONT YOU EVER SPEAK ABOUT MY MOTHER, YOU FUCKING DICK! Silence VICKI. I will slit your fucking throat, if you ever mention me and her in the same sentence again! Silence. VICKI lights a cigarette. VICKI .You think your better than me don’t you. MATT. Nah, I don’t, I’ve never … VICKI. It wasn’t a question. Silence. MATT. Well I haven’t even said anything like that, VICKI, I am really sorry. I didn’t mean to, ya know … It’s just, I am well confused. With what happened the other week and the fact you lied… VICKI. Shut the fuck up MATT … I didn’t lie! MATT. Yeah, but you did though VICKI, you told me you weren’t a virgin and when we did it, you fucking bled! ... What am I supposed to think, why wouldn’t you tell me, it’s not like I would/ VICKI (Shouting). /Care, what the fuck, you would or wouldn’t do, I just didn’t tell you, because I don’t fucking like you! … I didn’t even think you would realise, cause you were that fucked … I just fucking used you, like I knew, you were trying to use me … I didn’t wanna fuck you! … I just didn’t wanna be a crap in bed with someone else …You ultimate knob! … Look at you, your a fucking Papa John mate, even you mates don’t like you! AND YOU WERE FUCKING SHIT! Silence.
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Sarah Roberts MATT. You used me? VICKI. You fucking deaf or something, yer I did! VICKI stands up and gathers her stuff to leave. VICKI. Boys like you, use girls all the time, probably because you think you’re a proper fucking lad! HA, well looks like you just got fucked over mate! Silence. MATT (Looking up at her) It was my first time as well… Silence. VICKI. Gutted! VICKI walks off stage leaving MATT alone on the park bench staring after her. Lights Down.
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