TABOO TOPICS IN ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS - Montana State ...

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open ended questions was given to 54 romantically involved couples to asses ... Ijams and Miller (2000) argue that self-disclosure is necessary for the development of relational intimacy; however, too much disclosure can hinder relational ...
Taboo Topics

RUNNING HEAD: Taboo Topics

“WE’RE OPEN, BUT STAY AWAY FROM THAT TOPIC”: AN ANALYSIS OF THE TABOO TOPIC PAST SEXUAL EXPERIENCES IN ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS Submitted to the Student Section of the 2006 NCA Conference Debut Paper Keywords: Taboo, Relationships, Deception, Health, Sex, Dialectics, Avoidance

ABSTRACT

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What do we disclose in romantic relationships and what we avoid is an important consideration when maintaining and enhancing romantic relationships. Past research has shown that not only do we avoid the issue of past sexual experiences, but we lie about them too. It also has been found harmful to the relationship to not discuss taboo topics in relationships. So this study sought to examine the reasons why individuals in romantic relationships avoid the issue of past sexual experiences within their relationship. A questionnaire with a mixture of closed and open ended questions was given to 54 romantically involved couples to asses their concerns and reservations on avoiding the topic of past sexual experiences. Findings indicate that couples do avoid the topic of sexual experiences for a variety of reasons. After 2 couples were thrown out, 43 of the 52 couples analyzed had one or both members express reasons or concerns for avoiding the issue. Participants reported a number of different concerns that cause them to avoid the issue of past sexual experiences. The most mentioned concerns dealt with issues of jealousy, and sexual inadequacy. Results from T-tests and correlations show significant results that dealt with differences between the sexes and the impact that the length of the current relationship has. Implications for these findings provide insight for researchers examining the nature of such phenomenon as sexual inadequacy and sexual experience level. Implications also discuss relevant findings that could aid romantic couples in talking about this issue in a positive manner that could make the relationship more intimate and healthy.

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Introduction and Rationale In a nation where one can purchase the books, Bring Back the Lover of Your Life: A Potential 4 Step Strategy, 52 Simple Rules to Improve Your Relationship, and Walk Like a Chameleon: Use Your Animal Instincts to Improve Your Relationships and Your Life, it becomes easy to see that individuals are always on the search for ways to rekindle and improve romantic relationships. The question becomes what is causing a breakup in our relationship, and how can we stop the breakup and strengthen the relationship? Perhaps the answer is to do what author Gary S. Aumiller (2001) tells us to do-- stop running away like a rabbit when we fight with our boyfriend and start fighting like a shark. While this may be true, one more possible culprit for the high number of relational breakups that has been identified by relational scholars has surrounded the notion of relational dialectics. Dialectical theory has been studied extensively by Rawlins and by Baxter and Montgomery (Baxter & Montgomery, 1996; Rawlins, 1983; Rawlins, 1992). This interpersonal theory involves the intimate communication that takes place in a close relationship. It is a humanistic theory that is based upon the idea that people are constantly responding to the tensions that surround them in a relationship, and how personal relationships are indeterminate processes of ongoing flux. Baxter and Montgomery believe that relationships are organized around the dynamic interplay of opposing tendencies as they are enacted in interaction, with contradiction being the central concept of relational dialectics (Baxter & Montgomery). Relational dialectics highlight the tensions and contradictions that exist in all close personal relationships. Baxter and Montgomery (1996) refer to three primary or overarching relational dialectics: integration and separation, stability and change, & expression and privacy (sometimes referred to as openness and closedness). The underlying message from dialectical theory suggests that the closer one becomes in a relationship, the more problems or tensions exist that can pull a couple apart. Therefore, within the realm of dialectical theory, it seems that topic avoidance would be a perfect example of a relational situation that could pull a couple apart. This final relational dialectic of openness and closedness is the primary dialectic focused on for this study. Many scholars believe that the dialectical contradiction between openness and closedness is one of the most fundamental tensions in close relationships (Altman, Vinsel, & Brown, 1981; Baxter, 1988; Dindia, 1998). This desire to conceal or reveal deals with the issue of taboo topics or topic avoidance in romantic relationships, or more specifically what topics individuals in romantic relationships consider “off limits.” Baxter and Wilmot (1985) clearly state that an issue will become a taboo topic when one or both partners are at all hesitant in the relationship to discuss it in fear of the potential for negative relational consequences, and for conflict.

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Within close relationships, balancing self-expression against privacy is viewed as a healthy, natural phenomenon (Pawlowski, 1998). Ijams and Miller (2000) argue that self-disclosure is necessary for the development of relational intimacy; however, too much disclosure can hinder relational development with potentially devastating results. The decision to move toward disclosure and openness or its opposite (nondisclosure and closedness) is yielded from the conflicting tensions to express and connect and to protect either the self, other, or relationship (Rawlins, 1983). The dialectical tension of openness and closedness exists both within the individual and between relational partners. Thus, according to Ijams and Miller (2000), relational intimates grapple with a double dialectical tension; that is the simultaneous desire for openness and closedness on two levels: individual and relational. The topic or tension that is going to be focused on in this study is the issue of past sexual experiences, and the tension to either talk about it and reveal or to avoid it and conceal. On one hand, by terminating discussion, individuals leave the original problem unresolved, and it may fester, eventually damaging the relationship (Baumeister, Stillwell & Wotman, 1990). The mere existence of a taboo topic may be a source of irritation within a relationship, for it represents an “instance of disagreement that cannot be discussed and that is, perhaps, unresolvable” (Roloff & Ifert, 1998, p. 195). Once a topic is avoided it becomes clear it may even be difficult to come back to it in a relationship. Past research has shown that talking about previously avoided topics can indeed embarrass individuals and damage the existing relationship (Afifi & Guerrero, 2000; Golish, 2000; Roloff & Johnson, 2001; Knobloch & Carpenter-Theune, 2004). Knobloch and Carpenter-Theune (2004) argue that communicating about threatening issues could be dangerous or hazardous to the health of the relationship. Knobloch and Carpenter-Theune note that, “Not only do people expect that such communication will damage their self image, but they also believe that it will jeopardize the well-being of their relationship” (p. 194). Choosing to study the taboo topic of past sexual experiences is important for two reasons. First, past sexual experiences has been mentioned in past studies as a major taboo topic (Baxter & Wilmot, 1985; Turk & Thielman, 2002). In addition, past research has shown that individuals in romantic relationships are often likely to lie about their past sexual experiences (Stebleton & Rothenberger, 1993; Knox, Schacht, Holt & Turner, 1993; Cochran & Mays, 1990). Perhaps if we can understand why individuals in romantic relationships avoid or discuss the idea of past sexual experiences and what concerns they have that cause them to avoid the issue; then perhaps researchers will be able to develop ways for couples to talk about this issue in a positive and helpful manner. This would then strengthen the relationship by being able to talk about one of the most taboo issues.

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When with romantic others, there seems to be a desire to not discuss our former sexual experiences. The knowledge of exactly why the issue of past sexual relationships is so taboo has yet to be explored in depth. That is why this study will explore the reasons why couples consider the issue of past sexual experiences a taboo topic in their romantic relationship. The study will first give a detailed overview of literature discussing taboo topics and topic avoidance in romantic relationships. The study will then examine the methodology and results of the questionnaire given, and finally end with a discussion of the results, implications, and areas for future research. Literature Review The connection between topic avoidance and relational dissatisfaction has been demonstrated in a variety of relational contexts, including romantic relationships (Caughlin & Golish, 2002; Knobloch & Carpenter-Theune, 2004; Finkenauer & Hazam, 2000; Cauglin & Afifi, 2004). Knobloch and Carpenter-Theune used a model of relationship development to predict how topic avoidance may correlate and coincide with intimacy and relational uncertainty. Knobloch and Carpenter-Theune had 216 individuals identify and evaluate topics which the participants avoided within their romantic relationship. Results were clear that relational uncertainty and topic avoidance share a positive association, and that intimacy is negatively associated with the number of avoided topics. Caughlin and Golish (2002) looked at topic avoidance and how it contributes to relational dissatisfaction through two avenues. The perceptual process, which is a stronger predictor of relational dissatisfaction than interpersonal processes, is when an individual feels at all dissatisfied because he or she believes a partner to avoid, regardless of the partner’s actual avoidance. The interpersonal process is when an individual feels at all dissatisfied because he or she accurately detects a partner’s avoidance. Cauglin and Afifi (2004) examined associations involving relational satisfaction in 114 parent-child dyads and 100 hetero sexual dating couples. This study which was rooted in communication privacy management (CPM) theory found that negative associations existed between topic avoidance and relational satisfaction. Cauglin and Afifi also noted that topic avoidance could be connected with the privacy boundaries discussed in CPM that can be dissatisfying to the relationship. Moreover, recognizing that topic avoidance embodies issues central to the field of interpersonal communication has called for a better understanding of how topic avoidance corresponds with relationship progression and development. Afifi and Burgoon (1998) researched cross-sex relationships and the impact of elevated levels of uncertainty and topic avoidance. Afifi and Burgoon documented a positive association between

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relational uncertainty and topic avoidance within cross-sex friendships and dating relationships. These researchers addressed the relationship between uncertainty and topic avoidance and compared “cross-sex friendships and dating relationships on these variables” (Afifi & Burgoon, p. 265) Afifi and Burgoon found that people may employ avoidance tactics to avoid incurring either face threat or relationship harm. This helps verify past studies and how uncertainty and topic avoidance play major roles in relational satisfaction. Roloff and Ifert (1998) examined the impact of situational perceptions and discussion dynamics on the explicitness of agreements to declare a topic taboo. They gave a questionnaire to 101 students inquiring about their demographic characteristics and the number of taboo topics in their relationships and the characteristics of those topics. They found that explicitness was positively correlated with declaring a topic taboo because most of all it was either unimportant to the relationship or the topic was too personal to discuss. They also found that the number of taboo topics in a relationship was negatively associated with relational satisfaction. Roloff and Ifert (1998) much like Baxter and Wilmot (1985) created specific reasons why individuals would declare a topic taboo. Roloff and Ifert came up with four reasons: 1) the issue is avoided because it is deemed unimportant 2) the issue is avoided because continued discussion might harm the relationship 3) the issue is avoided because intimates sometimes find that they are unable to convince one another to change and, therefore, they simply decide to stop talking about the issue, and 4) the issue is avoided because the relationship is not ufficiently intimate to allow the topic to be addressed. (pp. 193-194) Another area which is also important to look at is the sex differences in how individuals and couples view the idea of past sexual experiences and the level of deception that goes on with this issue. Very few relationshipbased studies manage to get both parties of the relationship to participate (Baxter & Bullis, 1986). The impact that the researcher could reveal with both parties of a heterosexual romantic couple available could be quite significant. Not only answering why this topic is taboo but also answering if there are significant differences between the sexes as to why this topic is taboo, could help explain the causes of why the topic of past sexual experiences is so taboo and lead to a more positive discussion of the issue. Seal (1997) is one researcher that examined some of the sex differences related to topic avoidance. Seal’s findings show distinct differences in how males look at past sexual experiences as compared to females. By determining if males and females consider past sexual experiences as more taboo, this will help to narrow the scope of future research and allow researchers to focus on one sex. This narrow focus could allow for better predictability when topic avoidance could cause a negative turning point in a relationship. For this study of past sexual

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experiences it is imperative to examine what differences if any exist between the sexes in terms of how comfortable he or she feels discussing their own past sexual experiences and their partner’s past sexual experiences. Examining some of the specific sex differences might unlock other answers to why past sexual experiences is such a taboo topic and to why individuals tend to use deception when this issue is finally discussed; not only in terms of current relationships but future relationships as well. Seal (1997) found that 47% of men and 42% of women reported that they would lie about their number of past sexual partners. From this result it would already appear that men seem to consider the topic more taboo. The two studies that are the real basis for this study are Baxter and Wilmot’s 1985 study of taboo topics and Lucchetti’s 1999 study of deception in disclosing one’s sexual history. The first study is a study that supports and expands on taboo topics in romantic relationships. Baxter and Wilmot (1985) looked directly at taboo topics in close relationships. They conducted 90 interviews to determine which topics were off limits and taboo in a close relationship. Basic categories were constructed from the total of 172 topics generated during the interviews. It was clear that among young adults, the topics of extradyadic relationships, prior sexual relationships, and negative selfdisclosures were the most mentioned taboo topics. The researchers developed seven separate categories of taboo topics. The 4th category was titled prior relationships, which consisted of all taboo topics that were in regards to past relationships with members of the opposite sex. The results showed that this category of prior relationships was mentioned by 25.3% of the respondents that reported having taboo topics in his or her relationship. What is also important to take away from this study is the summary of the reasons why each of these seven topic categories where considered taboo. For the 4th topic of prior relationships, 50% of the respondents avoided this issue because of relationship threat, 27% cited irrelevance of past, and 14% cited impression management. In their study Baxter and Wilmot concluded that individuals, who talk to their partners about issues like past sexual experiences, believe by discussing such an issue will endanger the health of the relationship and possibly affect their partners’ feelings of security, control, and closeness. Lucchetti (1999) on the other hand sought to investigate three questions: 1) are college students aware that disclosing one’s sexual history is a safe-sex practice, 2) Are college students truthful in disclosing their sexual history, and 3) What is the relationship between college students’ awareness that disclosure is a safe sex practice and their truthfulness concerning their own disclosure?

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Lucchetti (1999) surveyed 364 respondents, and found that one-third of the sexually active students have avoided disclosing one’s sexual history with at least one partner prior to becoming sexually involved, and at least one-fifth of the sexually active students have intentionally misrepresented their sexual history to their sexual partners. These results are consistent with past research that has also discovered deception in the disclosure of sexual histories of college age students (Cochran & Mays, 1990; Knox, Schacht, Holt, & Turner, 1993; Stebleton & Rothenberger, 1993). This tension between revealing and concealing coupled with such a taboo topic as past sexual experiences makes the research questions clear. For this topic it is important to look at what variables and factors cause this topic of past sexual experiences to be considered so uncomfortable and deceitful to talk about in romantic relationships. Thus, the following research questions are posed: RQ1: What topics do individuals in romantic relationships avoid and consider taboo? RQ2: What concerns or reservations cause individuals in romantic relationships to avoid and feel uncomfortable with talking about their and their partners’ past sexual experiences? RQ3: Are there any significant differences between men and women in how taboo they rate past sexual experiences? RQ4: What role does the variable number of past romantic relationships have in causing the topic of past sexual experiences to be considered taboo in a current romantic relationship? RQ5: What role does the variable length of current relationship have in causing the topic of past sexual experiences to be considered taboo in a current romantic relationship?

Method In order to accurately gauge the proposed research questions, a questionnaire with open-ended and closeended questions was designed. A mixture of Likert-type scale questions and semantic differentials were used. This particular study included: two open-ended questions, eighteen questions on a seven point Likert-type scale, and 46 questions under the semantic differential format. These questions are based on past research by Baxter and Wilmot (1985) and Turk and Thielman (2002).

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The study included 54 couples (104 students, 49 Male and 55 Female) from a large Midwestern University. Two surveys were incomplete so both members of those two couples were thrown out of the study. This demographic was chosen because previous research has shown that these individuals avoid topics in their relationship (Afifi & Burgoon, 1998; Baxter & Wilmot, 1985; Caughlin & Afifi, 2004). These students received research credit for an introductory level communication class for participating in the study. To have been able to participate in this study the participant must have been currently in a committed/romantic relationship and must have brought his or her partner to the study. This information was clearly listed on the sign up sheet which the participants used. Participants were informed when signing up for the study that it would be a study on taboo topics in romantic relationships. Of the 52 couples, 49 were heterosexual, and 3 consisted of members of the same sex with all members being bisexual or gay in these three relationships. All participants were within the age range of 18-26 years of age (M = 20.05, SD = 1.24). On average, the number of past committed/romantic relationships reported was 3.73, and the average length of current relationship in months was 12.39. All participants except for two individuals (both female) reported to have had sexual experiences prior to or with their current partner. For the purposes of this study sexual experiences were defined as any encounter(s) involving fondling, and/or genital, anal, or oral intercourse. This definition was clearly defined on every page of the questionnaire that mentioned sexual experiences. To begin the survey, each couple was checked in at the door to the research room. The participants were given a number as a couple, both parties of the couple received the same piece of paper with their couple number clearly written on the paper except for the fact that males received an “A” next to their number and females received a “B” next to their number.1 Both parties of the relationship were asked to sit on opposite sides of the room. The separation of the couples was needed to ensure that no nonverbal or verbal cues were offered between the couple. These cues could have perhaps influenced the answers of the participants. The participants were then instructed to read and fill out a consent form. Once all the participants handed in their consent form to the researcher, they were given the questionnaire. Once all the questionnaires were handed in to the researcher, a ten-minute debriefing period by the researcher ensued. This debriefing not only explained the purpose of the study and what the researchers were looking for, but also provided a reiteration of the confidentiality agreement. After the debriefing concluded, the participants were allowed to leave. For a study filled with personal information from the participants it was

1

For the purposes of same sex partners it was randomly assigned which partner received an “A” or “B”.

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imperative to reassure the participants that their names would remain confidential and no link between their answers and their names would ever be mentioned. It was also important to establish to the participants what the purpose of the study was and how valuable their information would be to future research in the area. Research questions 1 and 2 were both measured by using an open-ended question. Research questions 3, 4, and 5 were measured using 46 semantic differential questions and 18 Likert-scale questions The 46 semantic differential questions were constructed on a five-point semantic differential to help answer to what degree do participants associate his/her partner’s sexual experiences prior to his/her relationship (alpha = .8987) and his/her own sexual experiences prior to his/her relationship (alpha = .9062). The 18 questions on the Likert-type scale questions were used on a seven-point scale. The first nine required the participant to recall taboo levels of their own previous sexual relationships (alpha = .8478), and the second nine required participants to recall taboo levels dealing with their partner’s previous sexual experiences (alpha = .8250). The final questions ask for the demographics of the participant. Demographic questions also included questions that asked if participants have had sexual experiences prior to his or her current relationship, and whether the participant has had sexual experiences with his or her current partner. Results The first research question was designed to answer what topics if any do individuals in romantic relationships avoid or find taboo in their current romantic relationship. A total of 46 different topics were reported as taboo by the 52 couples. The two most reported taboo topics were past relationships (N = 43) and past sexual experiences (N = 27). Other topics that received more than 5 mentions were: Anal sex (N = 9), Family Issues (N = 14), Having sex together (N = 8), Politics (N = 9), Religion (N = 6). Of these seven categories, participants reported that their partner doesn’t like to talk about it (N = 67) more than they themselves like to talk about it (N = 58). The results for whether the participant or their partner doesn’t like to hear about the topic were the complete opposite. Participants reported that they don’t like to hear about it (N = 65) more than their partner doesn’t like to hear about it (N = 57). Table 1 shows a complete listing of every specific topic mentioned in this study and the exact representation of the number of individuals reporting each topic. Research question 2 asks what concerns or reservations would cause individuals in romantic relationships to avoid and feel uncomfortable with talking about their and their partners’ past sexual experiences? The second open-ended question of the questionnaire asked participants to state what concerns or reservations they had (if any) about avoiding the issue of past sexual experiences. Of the 52 couples 80.0% (N = 43) of the couples reported either

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one or both members of the couple reporting at least one concern about the issue of past sexual experiences in their relationship that caused them to avoid the issue. 16.6% (N = 9) of the couples had both members either leaving the question blank or reporting he or she had no problem discussing the issue of past sexual experiences in their relationship. A complete breakdown of concerns or reservations is reported in Table 2. The most common concern or reservation reported (N = 13) was that of jealousy. The second most common concern or reservation reported (N = 9) was that of knowing too much details. Results indicated that 16.6% of the couples had one or both members of the couple reporting that he or she avoided the issue because they did not want to know any details about their partner’s past sexual experiences. Another highly mentioned concern or reservation (14.8% of the couples, N = 8) was the concern of inadequacy. Participants seemed to avoid the topic for fear they would find out they were inadequate in terms of sex from his or her partner’s previous sexual experiences. Table 2 displays the frequencies of all concerns or reservations stated. Research question 3 asked if there were any significant differences between males and females in terms of how taboo or uncomfortable they viewed the issue of past sexual experiences in their romantic relationship. The results of research question 3 were calculated by taking the sum of each set of semantic differential, and taking the sum of each set of Likert-scale questions. The sum of each set of semantic differential and Likert-scale questions was used to represent the participant’s potential level of comfort (how taboo) on the issue of past sexual experiences. A higher score would mean the individual would consider the proposed issue surrounding past sexual experiences more uncomfortable to the participant. A lower score would mean the individuals found complete comfort surrounding the proposed issue about past sexual experiences. An independent samples t-test was run to look for any differences between males (N = 49) and females (N = 55). A significant difference between males and females was found in the Sum of Partsexes (p = .033, ά = .05) (Table 3). Sum of Partsexes had word associations with the degree to which words did the participants associate with your partner’s sexual experiences prior to your relationship with him or her. Males (M = 62.4, SD = 14.9) reported significantly higher scores in this semantic differential section than females (M = 56.3, SD = 13.7). The Likert-scale questions Sum of Partner Likert questions showed a significant difference between males (M = 33.7, SD = 10.1) and females (M = 30.2, SD = 10.1) at the alpha = .10 level (p = .077). These set of questions asked participants to rate if they avoid certain aspects of his or her partner’s past sexual experiences on a 7-point Likert-scale. Research 4 asked if the variable of number of past committed/romantic relationships one has been involved with correlates to how taboo or uncomfortable one views the issue of past sexual experiences in his or her romantic

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relationship. A Pearson Correlation was administered to test all 4 areas of Sum of Partsexes, Sum of Yoursexes, Sum of “I” Likert questions, and Sum of “P” Likert scales against the variable number of past committed/romantic relationships that each participant was in. These areas were the same 4 areas used to answer research question 3. Results reported no significant correlations with any of the 4 areas. Refer to Table 4 for a complete summary Research question 5 asked what role does the variable length of current relationship have in causing the topic of past sexual experiences to be considered taboo in a current romantic relationship. A Pearson Correlation was administered to test all 4 areas of Sum of Partsexes, Sum of Yoursexes, Sum of “I” Likert questions, and Sum of “P” Likert scales against the variable of length of current relationship. As Table 5 indicates, results from this test reported a significant correlation (r = .303, p = .002) between the variables Sum of Yoursexes and Length of current relationship.2 No other significant correlations were found.

2

Length of current relationship was measured in months.

Table 1 List of Taboo Topics Reasons for Avoidance_____________________

Topic Past Sexual Experiences Past Relationships Future Anal Sex Financial Situation Marriage Cheating Family Issues Flirting w/ Others Sex Together Strip club Oral Sex Smoking School/College Menstrual Cycle Television Programs Bodily Functions/Fluids Breaking up Partner/Self Reputations Public Displays/Affection Appearance Politics Sexuality Hobbies Shaving genitals Masturbation Animals

N 27 43 5 9 3 3 2 14 5 8 1 2 2 3 3 2 5 3 1 2 3 9 1 3 1 1 1

I don’t like to talk about 16 22 2 4 2 1 2 5 0 5 0 1 0 2 0 0 2 2 0 2 2 3 1 2 0 0 0

My partner doesn’t like to talk about 14 28 2 8 1 1 1 8 1 2 0 2 0 1 1 1 4 2 0 1 1 5 1 0 1 1 1

I don’t like My partner doesn’t to hear about like to hear about 20 26 1 4 2 0 1 4 3 2 0 1 2 1 1 0 3 2 1 2 3 5 0 1 0 0 0

16 24 1 5 1 2 1 3 3 1 1 1 0 1 2 2 5 1 1 1 2 5 0 1 0 0 1

Taboo Topics

Religion Insecurities Trust Issues Health of Relationship Personal Matters Race Driving Partner’s Physical Ability Threesomes Members of Other Sex Friends/roommates Sports Shopping Saying I love you Pregnancy Drugs Technology Crushes on Others Sexual Fantasies

Total

6 1 1 5 2 1 1 1 1 2 4 1 1 1 2 1 2 3 1

3 1 0 1 1 0 0 0 0 1 1 0 1 0 2 0 0 1 1

2 0 0 2 1 1 1 1 1 1 0 1 0 1 0 1 0 2 0

4 1 1 3 0 0 0 0 0 2 1 0 1 0 2 0 2 3 0

3 0 0 1 0 0 1 1 1 1 3 1 0 1 0 1 0 2 0

58

67

65

57

2

Table 2 Reservations and concerns for avoiding the issue of past sexual experience in romantic relationships Major overall reason for avoiding issue

N

Regret some things in past

2

Like to keep past in past

4

Jealousy

13

Doesn’t want either to get hurt

2

Makes me feel not as close

2

Still friends/know past flames

7

Creates Trust Issue

1

Hurts to imagine partner w/ another

3

Afraid to hear partner is still in love w/ ex

1

Experience level compared to partner

7

Inadequacy

8

Don’t want details

9

Insecure

4

Want to keep it private

2

Don’t like being compared to past experiences

3

Talking about it makes current sex not special

1

Doesn’t want partner thinking about past experiences

2

Table 3

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Independent Samples T-test looking at Sex and Comfort Discussing Past Sexual Experiences Source

df

Sum of Partsexes

101

2.168

.033*

Sum of Yoursexes

102

.929

.355

Sum of “I” Likert

102

.172

.864

Sum of “P” Likert

102

1.788

.077^

Note.

t

p

*indicates statistical significance at p < .05 ^indicates marginal significance at p < .10

Table 4 Correlations Between Comfort Discussing the Issue of Past Sexual Experiences, and the Variables of # of Past Romantic Relationships, and Length of Current Relationship Variables

Past Romantic Relationships

Length of current Relationship

Sum of Partsexes

-.026

.155

Sum of Yoursexes

-.122

.303**

Sum of “I” Likert

-.023

.052

Sum of “P” Likert

-.048

-.258**

Note.

** indicates a significant correlation at p < .05

Discussion

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An analysis of research question 1 that dealt with which topics do individuals involved in a romantic relationship find taboo in their relationship, yields results similar to past studies. Most major mentioned topics such as past relationships, anal sex, family issues, and health of relationship were also brought up in past research (Baxter & Wilmot, 1985). While Baxter & Wilmot discovered that the health of the relationship was the most taboo issue brought up by the participants (67.8% of the respondents that reported taboo topics in his or her relationship), this study discovered that past romantic relationships or past sexual experiences was mentioned by 67.3% (N = 70) of the participants- by far the most mentioned taboo topics discovered. This high number verifies the consistent idea that the topics of past relationships and sexual partners in romantic relationships are a clear and significant taboo issue. This finding is more evidence that the issue of past sexual experiences and past relationships need to be studied. If avoiding topics in romantic relationships can harm the relationship (Caughlin & Golish, 2002; Knobloch & Carpenter-Theune, 2004; Finkenauer & Hazam, 2000; Cauglin & Afifi, 2004), and past sexual experiences and past relationships seem to be consistent issues individuals in romantic relationships avoid (Baxter & Wilmot), the importance of studying these two issues become clear. If researchers can better understand the nature of why individuals in romantic relationships avoid these two issues and two what extent, then perhaps ways to discuss these issues positively can be created to help hinder these two topics from harming the relationship. While the major implications from this research lie in the highly mentioned taboo topics of past romantic relationships (N = 43) and past sexual experiences (N = 27), it is also important to note the other topics that got mentioned with great frequency. Anal sex (N = 9), family issues (N = 14), sex together (N = 8), and politics (N = 9) all seem to be issues that individuals in romantic relationships find taboo and avoid. These results show that these issues may be tough to discuss in romantic relationships and should also be addressed before they become a potential harm to the relationship. Future research could also look at what concerns or reservations cause individuals in romantic relationships to avoid these topics. The second research question asked participants to write down in an open ended question what concerns or reservations (if any) that caused them to avoid the issue of past sexual experiences in

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their relationship. The results for this question provided a vast amount of information and answers to why couples do avoid this issue. There seems to exist a fear when one is discussing the issue of past sexual experiences, and that is of finding out one is inadequate, not as good as a former flame. This can create feelings of insecurity and jealousy in the individual in the romantic relationship. Almost 40% (38.9%, N = 21) of the couples had one or both members mention the idea of jealousy and inadequacy as being one of the reasons for avoiding the issue of past sexual experiences. From these results it is clear that individuals in romantic relationships avoid the issue of past sexual experiences because they are afraid they will find out they are not as good at sex as their partner’s past sexual experiences. By avoiding the issue the answer to the question “was he or she or someone in your past better at sex than me?” the individual is allowed to always believe that he or she is indeed the best sex their partner is ever had; which I would hypothesize in future research has become an area of real importance and prestige in romantic relationships that deal especially with young adults and college students. Of the 17 different reasons or concerns that cause individuals in romantic relationships to avoid the issue of past sexual experiences, 9 of them deal with and surround this issue of feeling inadequate. Reasons like “Don’t like being compared to past experiences,” and “talking about it makes current sex not as special” both concern this fear that being compared to past experiences and finding out one is not as good as the past experience not only makes one feel worse but makes the sex not as special as well. Concerns like “Inadequacy,” and “Afraid to hear partner is still in love with their ex” could produce issues that make the individual in the romantic relationship think that their sex isn’t good enough so their partner will go back to that person which in turn could place a lot of insecurity in the individuals and relationship. Another set of strong reasons and concerns for avoiding the issue of past sexual experiences were the idea about not knowing the specific details of the experiences, and one or both of the individuals in the couple still knowing or are friends with at least one of the past sexual experiences. As one individual put, “No one wants to hear the details about who their girlfriend has fucked.” Slavoj Zizek (1989) is a Slovenian sociologist, philosopher, and cultural critic discusses in depth the role of visualization as a powerful tool of the human mind. Zizek in his book The Sublime Object of Ideology discuss the power of visual imagery and what effect it has on romantic partners. He proclaims that the

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worst part about knowing your romantic partner’s past sexual life is not the knowledge of the sexual experiences but the way in which that knowledge produces mental images. It is not the knowledge that bothers individuals but rather the seeing. Human beings he discusses have a need to visualize which makes confronting or discussing a partner’s past sexual experiences difficult to mangage (1989). So consistent with Professor Zizek’s beliefs, it is the details that have the potential to bother the individual the most because of the graphic nature of the sexual experiences. Knowing the exact details of the past sexual experiences make them that more real, which can also make the current sex not as special. The vivid details could also make the individual wonder if his or her romantic partner still remembers all these details, then they thought it was that good- which causes the issue of inadequacy and insecurity discussed earlier. Research question 3 sought to explore potential significant differences between the sexes in terms of how strongly they view the issue of past sexual experiences as taboo or not in their romantic relationships. The results indicated that males rate this issue of past sexual experiences more taboo and uncomfortable to talk about than females in terms of discussing their partner’s past sexual experiences. The semantic differential section was significant at the .05 level while the Likert scale assessment was significant at the .10 level. It appears from these results that males significantly more than females do not want to hear about their partner’s past sexual experiences. The implications of these findings could be great. Future research might then be able to hypothesize that the males more than the females are the culprit for a couple not being able to discuss past sexual experiences openly. It’s clear that if a romantic couple is going to discuss this issue it will be much more difficult for the male to hear his partner’s past sexual experience. So for the female it becomes that much more important to avoid the special details of the acts to reduce the inadequacy that the male might feel. By reducing this feeling of inadequacy or insecurity there could be a much stronger chance that the couple could talk about this issue positively; therefore, not allowing the topic to continue to be “off the table” and festering to the point where it could hurt the relationship later down the line (Roloff & Johnson, 2001). Research question 4 asked if there existed a correlation between how taboo one viewed the issue of past sexual experiences in their current relationship and how many past romantic partners one has had. The idea behind this question was the premise that an individual whom has had many past

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sexual experiences might have a tougher time discussing this issue than an individual that had few sexual experiences. Results of this research question; however, produced no significant correlations between the number of past romantic/committed partners and how taboo one viewed the issue of past sexual experiences either in terms of talking about one’s own sexual experiences or his or her partner’s sexual experiences. One reason for this lack of correlation could have been in the question wording. The question on the questionnaire asked participants to express how many past committed/romantic relationships they have been in, not how many sexual experiences they have had. It could certainly be plausible for participants of this age (M = 20.04) to have had committed/romantic relationships where sexual experiences never happened. This was certainly a limitation of this study that could have skewed the results of this research question. In turn it could also have been possible to have had sexual experiences and not been in a romantic relationship. Those variables were not considered in the formation of the questionnaire. The fact that there existed no significant correlations is still an interesting finding in its own right. These results show that there are very weak correlations between comfort in discussing past sexual experiences or how taboo this topic is and the number of past romantic/committed partners one has had. Implications of this finding could hypothesize in future research that the fact that one has had many or few romantic partners has no real determent in one’s comfort level discussing past sexual experiences. Research question 5 hoped to add relevant findings to that very study. RQ5 examined the correlation between how taboo one found the issue of past sexual experiences in his or her current relationship with the couple’s length of their current romantic relationship.3 This question was created for the fact that it was thought when meeting someone and beginning a romantic relationship, it would be less likely for the issue of past sexual experiences to be a problem. The couple would be divulging less personal information early in the relationship (Altman & Taylor, 1973). Therefore, it could be considered probable that couples just starting in a relationship would not consider the topic of past sexual experiences a taboo issue in their current romantic relationship. These couples that have not It is important to restate that length of current romantic relationship was measured in months to minimize problems with validity. 3

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been together long would not have had the opportunity to perhaps discuss this issue and engage in sexual experiences together. Results showed one significant correlation (r = .303, p = .002) between Sum of Yoursexes and Length of current relationship. This finding shows that individuals in this study feel much more uncomfortable discussing their own sexual experiences the longer he or she has been in a committed/romantic relationship. This result is an interesting phenomenon that shows that it perhaps becomes more difficult to discuss one’s own past sexual experiences the longer the relationship continues. This is consistent with the idea that couples would probably not discuss this kind of personal information until later on in the relationship. So it is consistent that the longer one is in a relationship the higher the chance the couple has discussed the issue of past sexual experience, which would then make this issue become relevant in their relationship (Altman & Taylor, 1973). While this study has much strength, it also contains some limitations. Besides the limitations surrounding wording of certain questions discussed earlier, there also exist limitations with receiving truthful answers. The participants were no where instructed during the study that they could not go back to a question while taking the questionnaire; therefore, the results of research question 1 could be skewed. After seeing what the study was about, the participant could have gone back and added the topic of past sexual experiences to question 1, inflating the number of times past sexual experiences was mentioned in this study. Another weakness of this study is there is no 100% guarantee that individuals taking the study were indeed in a romantic relationship. Since the participants were taking the questionnaire for research credits for a class, it could have been plausible for two individuals in the same class to lie and pretend to be in a romantic relationship. The potential idea behind their actions being both would get the research credit even though neither was in a romantic relationship. Another limitation of this study is the potential for participant fabrication. With such a personal and meaningful subject as one’s own past sexual experiences, it is possible for participants to lie for a couple of reasons. Participants could use dishonest information because they don’t feel comfortable revealing the truth, or perhaps an individual would be self-conscious and change their answers to make he or she seem more sexually prowess. It could be plausible for an individual to lie about their number of past sexual partners like discussed earlier and increase their number of past

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romantic partners or whether they have had sex or not. Two individuals in this study claimed to have not had sexual experiences prior to their relationship with their current partner or with their current partner. However, an examination of the two individuals they were in a romantic relationship with provided conflicting data. Both partners of these two individuals with no sexual experiences said that they have had sexual experiences with their current partner. Obvious data that conflicts with one another where one of the members of the couple says they have had sexual experiences together, and the other member of the couple says the complete opposite. While this study has many important findings it raises even more important questions. Results of this study give further insight into why individuals avoid certain topics in romantic relationships. The topic focused in on this study was past sexual experiences. This study provided a basis for why individuals in romantic relationship avoid this highly taboo issue. Jealousy, inadequacy, details, and insecurity all appear to be rooted in the reservations and concerns that individuals in romantic relationships have towards this issue. Future research should explore these concepts in romantic relationships in more detail, perhaps focusing on why these concepts are so strong and important to individuals in romantic relationships. This study also tried to explain what variables if any determine whether a couple believes past sexual experiences to be taboo or not. Future research should look further into other possible variables, and perhaps focus more on the experience level of both participants. If one’s partner has had few or no sexual experiences, a future hypothesis might create the idea then that this person will not find past sexual experiences to be very taboo, because they will have had the benefit of being their partner’s first sexual experience. This desire to be everyone’s first sexual experiences is a topic that needs much more development. A final point of intrigue that is developed from this study is that of the role of sex in romantic relationships for young adults. In 1985 the major reason for avoiding the issue of past sexual experiences was to avoid harming the relationship (Baxter & Wilmot, 1985). 20 years later this study hints at the notion that couples are not as worried about harming the relationship as they are discovering their sexual inadequacies. Future research should examine how important sex has become in young romantic relationships. A potential hypothesis might be that variables such as partner’s sexual

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experience, his or her sexual ability, and his or her sexual practices could be major factors in determining the health of a relationship. The implications this study has for couples should also be expressed. This study revealed certain reservations and concerns that cause individuals in romantic relationships to avoid past sexual experiences. So when couples do discuss this issue it should be important to keep these concepts in mind. It is important when discussing this issue to be sensitive about these concepts of inadequacy, jealousy, and details. When discussing this issue couples should be careful about making his or her partner feel sexually inadequate. Avoiding over specific details will also make the discussion more positive, especially for males who find it uncomfortable or taboo to discuss their partner’s past sexual experiences. Because research has found that avoiding taboo topics in romantic relationships can be harmful (Caughlin & Golish, 2002; Knobloch & Carpenter-Theune, 2004; Finkenauer & Hazam, 2000; Cauglin & Afifi, 2004), learning how to discuss past sexual experiences could help the relationship from being harmed. But as this study showed there certainly is a wrong way and a right way how to discuss this topic with one’s romantic partner. Discussing this topic should be utilized in a way that is able to express one’s concerns and questions with their partner about this issue, without going into too much detail and visualization. It is also important that in no way does an individual compare the current sexual experience with one’s current partner to a partner or sexual experience in the past. This is definitely true when one or both members of the romantic couple still know one of the past individuals with one has had sexual experiences with. Conclusion “We have an open relationship, but stay way from that topic.” This seems to be the overall theme of this study. This study showed that individuals in romantic relationships avoid the topic of past sexual experiences for a number of reasons. Jealousy, inadequacy, insecurity, and vividness of details all seem to be major concerns reported that indeed cause couples to avoid this very taboo issue. With the frequency of the topics of past romantic partners and past sexual experiences found in the results of research question 1, it becomes easy to see that these are two major topics in romantic relationships that need to be examined. There exists a strong nature with couples in romantic

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relationships to avoid the issue of past romanticism. The time spent with “former flames”, and especially the sexual experiences, is an area that is avoided at all costs. A clear fear of discussing this topic clearly exists. The possible fear of being a poor lover, drifting apart, and sexual inadequacy are strong deterrents to discussing this topic. Individuals appear to be afraid that discussing this issue will harm the relationship. Participants noted that discussing this issue could hurt the individual, (“ I don’t like to hear about it b/c it makes me feel unspecial in away… and when we talk about her past boyfriends I feel as though she might be thinking of them.”) or hurt the health of the relationship, (“When I hear about my boyfriends past sexually, it makes me feel not as close to him and I don’t like that.” “The discussion might lead to her disliking me and us drifting apart.”) There seems to be a drive to keep it as Roloff and Johnson (2001) would say off the table because both participants are afraid to get hurt, hurt the other person, or hurt the relationship. A result of this study that could prove to be an intriguing phenomenon in romantic relationships is the issue of sexual experience level. In this study it was clear that this issue could play a major factor in whether to discuss the issue or not. As one participant noted, “I do not want to know details of what she did with anyone else. I would rather think she has only had sex with me.” Results like this one and one’s similar to it seem to hint at the idea that every person in a relationship wants to be their partner’s first. A partner with a low number of sexual experiences seems to make the topic perhaps less uncomfortable in a relationship. Another participant noted, “It is easier for him because I have such little experience so he doesn’t have to hear about much.” This level of experience could be a key component to whether someone will feel uncomfortable and possibly avoid the issue of past sexual experience. If you partner has not had any other sexual experiences, then the frequently stated concerns of jealously, inadequacy, and insecurity are suddenly no longer a problem. “I am only her 3rd, so unless she’s lying I am not worried.” With also the idea of experience, the feeling of comparison is also an important result of this study. As one female participant colorfully said, “I feel like he has been sexual with too many other girls, so talking about it makes me feel like I am just a number. Also he will tell me that I am not as good at sex as ________. Asshole!” Clearly this participant does not like that her partner not only has had a lot of partners but more importantly that she believes he is comparing her to past experiences.

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The fear of being compared to former partners and hearing the specific past sexual details of one’s partner could turn off that member of the romantic couple. This turnoff appears to have severe results that could make the current sex experiences of at least one of the individuals in the romantic relationship feel not special, or even sexually inadequate. This loss of sexual energy and play in a relationship could then be a major factor to the possible downfall of the relationship. It then becomes important to tell one’s partner that they shouldn’t compare themselves with past sexual experiences. The romantic partner of the female participant quoted earlier did say, “The only problem is that she thinks that she needs to compare herself to my past relationships. Sometimes I don’t feel comfortable because of this. I don’t like when she does that and wish she would understand that she needs to be different.” But is clear from the female’s quote that her partner had not made this intention of his clear. This study also shows that this level of turnoff could be even increased if the past sexual experiences of one’s partner is with an individual that one or both of the members still knows in either the role of a friend or acquaintance. Being able to put a face on the past sexual experience allows the visualization and details to become more vivid and perhaps decrease one’s pleasure to have sex with that partner. One participant noted this concern when he or she mentions, “Makes me feel uncomfortable, especially if I knew her last partner.” This common answer of still knowing the last partner can lead to issues of trust, jealousy, and fear. As one individual stated why he or she avoided the issue, “I don’t ask b/c I’m afraid that I’m going to be told that my partner is still in love w/ their ex.” That fear could possibly grow if the past partner or past sexual experience is still in the current partner’s life. Although this paper has focused on the 43 couples that had one or both of the members express concerns or reservations for avoiding this taboo issue, it is also important to note the 9 couples that reported a level of comfort discussing the issue. All 9 of those couples had both members claiming that talking about the issue of past sexual experiences has helped their relationship. Common responses noted, “It gives insight as to his experience level and mine. This helps make the experiences better.” “I find that being able to talk about our sexual experiences (both past & current) allows our communication to stay open & honest. Being this open truly brings us closer and keeps us honest.” While a small margin of the couples studied (17.3%) these 9 couples could give insight into how to

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positively discuss and manage this issue of past sexual experience in romantic relationships. This negative could be turned into a positive and discussing past sexual experiences could help the relationship like it has helped these 9 couples. The results of this study have shown that because of some of the deep concerns, it is best when discussing the issue of past sexual experiences to try to not put a face on the past experiences with as little as specific detail as possible, and to try to avoid comparative language. Doing both of these could in turn ease the level of jealousy, inadequacy, insecurity discussed earlier in this section. The goal of this study was to examine the taboo topic of past sexual experiences in romantic relationships. Results of this study provided insight into what concerns or reservations cause individuals in romantic relationship to avoid this issue, along with possible variables that might be contributing to this discomfort of discussing this issue. This study also showed while there are few significant differences between males and females, it was clear that it is much more uncomfortable for males to discuss their partner’s past sexual experiences than that of females. Past sexual experiences is a taboo topic in romantic relationships. It is a topic that individuals in romantic relationships find very difficult to discuss, and often avoid. The problem with this current system of avoiding this topic is that this avoidance can cause severe problems in the relationship. An analysis of the results of this study hoped to provide some insight into concerns or reservations that individuals might had when discussing this issue. With the evidence and analysis contained in this study there exist explanations of these concerns and other possible variables that might cause this avoidance. The information from this study could help couples discuss the issue in a positive manner that would be not only beneficial for each member of the romantic relationship, but the relationship itself. This discussion of past sexual experiences could lead to a more intimate and healthy relationship.

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