Wedding Etiquette from the Church's Perspective It is good for ...

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that, if followed, will make a wedding a blessing, rather than a burden or an event that will give offense. Wedding Invitations. • If at all possible, church members should invite the whole church to the ceremony. ... encouraged to RSVP as a matter of “family courtesy.” .... e:\services\weddings\wedding etiquette.doc 1.0 10/ 2011.
Wedding Etiquette from the Church’s Perspective It is good for Christians to be married in the church. It is good for church members to include their “church family” in their wedding celebrations. Sometimes, however, people in the church are unaware of certain matters of etiquette that affect relationships in the body. The following is a list of procedures and protocols that, if followed, will make a wedding a blessing, rather than a burden or an event that will give offense. Wedding Invitations •

If at all possible, church members should invite the whole church to the ceremony. This is especially true if the wedding is held at our church.



You are well within your rights to limit your guest list for either the ceremony or the wedding or both to “adults only.”



There is no need to invite everyone to a private reception, who is invited to the ceremony. A wise way to handle this is to have a simple "snack" reception at the church for those who attend the ceremony. Then allow for plenty of time between the ceremony and the private reception, so those attending the ceremony, but are not invited to the reception are (a) not left out of any celebration; and (b) are not made to feel awkward walking to their cars while others are being seated for a meal.



Send out “save-the-date” cards as soon as you have a guest list in mind and the date is cleared with the pastor and the church. Do not send “save-the-date” cards to people who will not be invited.



Invitations should be sent out plenty early to give people a chance to make plans and to RSVP appropriately. Six weeks is minimum; eight weeks is preferred.



Ask for RSVPs to be returned two weeks before the wedding date. If you do not hear from people a week after the RSVP was due, phone calls are in order. They may not have received the invitation. Bridesmaids should take care of making these calls.



Ask for either a yes or a no RSVP. This takes the guess work out when you haven’t heard back from someone you thought would attend.



If everyone in the church is invited to the ceremony (they need not all be invited to your private reception), you may put an open invitation in the church bulletin. You may set up a small table in the lobby where people can deposit their RSVPs. This can be announced and the church family will be encouraged to RSVP as a matter of “family courtesy.”

Wedding Invitations • • • •

No one should be invited to any shower who is not invited to the wedding ceremony. Be sure that anyone who puts on a shower for you knows who is on the wedding guest list. An exception is if the women of the church put on a shower to which all women in the church are invited, even if all are not invited to the wedding ceremony. Insist that any showers thrown for you are appropriate for a Christian Bride. (Would you be embarrassed if Christ attended?) A shower gift constitutes a wedding gift. Guests should not be made to feel obligated to give multiple gifts.

Help from the Church Family •

Do not ask people to help with your ceremony and/or reception who are not invited.



Your wedding is a private event, not a church function. Therefore do not presume that the church will set up, tear down or clean up for your event even if it is at the church. Unless other arrangements are made, plan on paying for these services, as per the church’s “Wedding Policies” sheets.



If people volunteer to help, do not presume on their generosity by: (a) asking them to do more than they offered to do, (b) waiting until the last minute to say yes when they may no longer have the time, or (c) expecting them to pay for what they offer to do. (For example, if someone offers to decorate, assume they are offering only their labor, not to pay for the decorations.) Clarify, never presume.



People you want to be responsible for various aspects of your celebration at the church (set up, decorating, clean up, wedding hostess, etc.,) must be approved by the church before you ask them to be in charge of anything.

With the Pastor •

Secure the date with your pastor before making firm plans for a given date.



Get busy with your pre-marital counseling right away. Waiting until the last minute is not beneficial to you, nor is it fair to the counselor to have to rush because you waited until the last minute. Planning for the day (wedding) is one thing; planning for the life (marriage) is quite another. Neglecting the premarital counseling will result in the pastor not being able to perform the wedding.



Be sure that your desires for your ceremony are acceptable to the pastor. While your wedding is your wedding, the pastor is the officiant of a worship service in the church.



Every aspect of your ceremony in the church must be respectful. A Christian wedding ceremony should only use music that is appropriate for a church service, including the recessional. Have all secular music approved by the pastor beforehand. Save secular romantic songs for the reception.

The Bridal Party •

Do not feel obligated to ask people to be in your wedding unless you really want them in the wedding. Do not make people feel obligated to be in the wedding if they cannot (whether due to other commitments or because they cannot afford the dress, shoes, etc.) Make it easy for them to decline if they must.



When selecting dresses for the bride and bridesmaids, please remember that the ceremony is a worship service in a church. Be sure the brides and bridesmaids are dressed modestly—no less modestly than you would dress for church on Sunday.



If you have people in your bridal party who are unfamiliar with church worship services, inform them that the ceremony is a worship service, requesting their utmost respect.

General Procedures •

Get and use a wedding planner book. This will help you not forget things and get them done in a timely manner so that you avoid a mad rush at the end or embarrassment because you forgot something (or someone!). There are even wedding planner websites (many are free!) There will be many thing in a wedding planner book that will not apply to you. Ignore those, but pay attention to the things that do apply.



Stay within your budget. Incurring debt for a wedding is a most unwise thing to do. Weddings are not about impressing people. If you cannot afford a wedding, you are not ready to be married. Don’t throw a party you cannot afford. You are not inviting people to impress, but to celebrate with you.



Find responsible people (who will not let you down) to be in charge of each aspect of the wedding and reception. The bride, and the bride and groom's immediate families should be there to enjoy the event, not to serve at the event.



Secure your help plenty early. It is awkward for people who are being asked for help at the last minute.



Listen to your parents and other respected people in your lives if they offer counsel or advice. You are not obligated to do everything everyone tells you, but only a fool rejects all wise counsel.



Be careful about majoring on the minors. This happens when attention is paid to small details while missing the big picture.

e:\services\weddings\wedding etiquette.doc 1.0 10/2011