Mar 9, 2015 - lackluster. ANTHONY. Yeah. HOLLY. Oh yeah. Cue the most mediocre orgasm in history. Holly slides off and h
BACON IN BED by Kara Cutruzzula
09.03.15
INT. FANCY RESTAURANT - NIGHT HOLLY (late 20s) and ANTHONY (late 20s) are dressed to the nines and slugging their wine like each sip doesn’t cost two bucks. LIFE COACH (V.O.) There comes a time in every young woman’s life when she must ask the young man in her life a very important question... They gaze adoringly at each other. LIFE COACH (V.O.) Where the fuck is this going? HOLLY So Anthony, since my lease is up soon, I was thinking, maybe, this would be an ideal time to move in together? HOLD ON Anthony’s frozen reaction. LIFE COACH (V.O.) But the cookie never crumbles like that. It’s more like this. CUT TO: INT. DIVE BAR - NIGHT Holly and Anthony shoot pool. Maybe he holds the cue up between his legs like an erection. They’re trashed. HOLLY Baby, let’s go back to your place tonight. And tomorrow. And foreeeeever. HOLD ON Anthony’s frozen reaction. LIFE COACH (V.O.) Actually that’s still a little too generous. More like-CUT TO: INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT Holly and Anthony are having sex.
2. HOLLY You like that, hm? Oh yeah.
ANTHONY
HOLLY You like me on top? Oh yeah.
ANTHONY
HOLLY You’d like me on top of you all. The. Time. Wouldn’t you? ANTHONY (about to come) Oh yeah. HOLLY Day in and day out. ANTHONY All day, every day. HOLLY (about to come, too) Yes, yes, yes! They finish. Holly leans back. HOLLY (CONT’D) (back to business) I can’t wait to move in. HOLD ON Anthony’s frozen reaction. LIFE COACH And that, my little friends, is how major life decisions can get made during your twenties. EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY Holly is directing three MOVERS -- a FAT ONE, a TATTOOED ONE, and a FAT TATTOOED ONE -- on what to do with the boxes. Anthony frets nearby. HOLLY Careful with those. They’re antiques.
3. ANTHONY You have antiques? HOLLY They’re back issues of The New Yorker. I’m sure they’re worth something. ANTHONY You’ve got a lot of stuff. Great stuff, I mean. Quality. HOLLY The hoarding tendency runs in my family. ANTHONY My family got the clean gene. FAT MOVER (holding a giant floor lamp) Where do you want the light? HOLLY Living room. (to Anthony) I’m about to light up your life. (pause) Get it? TATTOOED MOVER rolls his eyes. He’s seen this too many times. INT. APARTMENT - LATER Boxes are piled so high they reach the rafters. Sweetie? I’m here!
HOLLY (O.S.) ANTHONY (O.S.)
Holly emerges from behind a giant stack. HOLLY Where? Kitchen? ANTHONY (mumbling) Where the kitchen used to be. She finds him.
4. HOLLY What do you want for dinner? ANTHONY (brightens) How about those special Shanghai noodles of yours? HOLLY Um, I actually left behind most of my kitchen stuff. You know Sarah loves making her foul tofu spelt bowls. I couldn’t take that joy away from her. ANTHONY (motioning to boxes) So if your roommate got the good stuff, what’s all this? HOLLY (rooting through boxes) Well, there’s that 64 piece china set I bought last weekend at the flea... (displaying a hideous pattern) Plus I brought along a few of my favorite coffee mugs. (holding up a kitschy pair with kittens) A few?
ANTHONY
HOLLY (brightly) I’m starving. Let’s order in. INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT A title card flashes reading TWO WEEKS LATER. The boxes are now chest-high. Holly and Anthony are eating Chinese takeout on the couch. LIFE COACH (V.O.) Two bumps on a log. Oh, did you think I’d forgotten you? I’m still here, my little voyeurs. I wanted to show you what happens when you walk backwards into making decisions--
5. INT. BEDROOM - LATER Holly and Anthony are in the middle of having sex. It’s very lackluster. Yeah. Oh yeah.
ANTHONY HOLLY
Cue the most mediocre orgasm in history. Holly slides off and hits the lights. INT. APARTMENT - THE NEXT MORNING Holly is happily making a mess of the immaculate kitchen. Pancake batter, coffee grounds, bacon grease, the place is a war zone. INT. BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS Holly walks in with a breakfast tray. Anthony’s crumpled under the covers. HOLLY Wake up sleepy head. The pancake monster is here. She places the tray on the bed and sits next to it. HOLLY (CONT’D) (nudging him) Aren’t you hungry? He comes to life, looks at the spread, then back at her. ANTHONY Looks nice, but I, uh, don’t do breakfast. HOLLY You don’t do breakfast? ANTHONY I don’t need it. HOLLY Everyone needs breakfast. It’s breakfast.
6. ANTHONY Yeah. Thanks, but-HOLLY You don’t do breakfast. No.
ANTHONY
HOLLY (angrily biting a piece of bacon) Didn’t we ever go to breakfast? ANTHONY I don’t think so. HOLLY In five months, we never once ate breakfast together? ANTHONY No. And can we stop saying the word “breakfast”? It’s losing all its meaning. HOLLY It already means nothing to you. She grabs the tray and leaves. He brushes invisible crumbs from the comforter. INT. KITCHEN - MOMENTS LATER Holly eats the meal -- fine, both their meals -- while thumbing through a dust-caked magazine. LIFE COACH (V.O.) Now if this were a Choose Your Own Adventure book, which path would you go down? Would you tell her to learn to live with their differences? Or would you let her know now they’ll come to resent each other’s quirky personalities... Holly sips coffee from a mug that says “You Put the I in Idaho.” No, it doesn’t make any sense.
7. LIFE COACH (V.O.) But they’ll feel obligated to stick it out for a year after spending so much money. Moving boxes don’t come cheap, you know. Holly starts to wash the dishes. LIFE COACH (V.O.) And that in the end, what they learn might not be worth all that time, all that energy. (after a long pause) So you want me to warn her? Holly opens a cabinet; it’s full of two dozen mugs crammed next to his pristine wine glasses. LIFE COACH (V.O.) I probably should. She places her mug on the shelf and walks towards the bedroom. LIFE COACH (V.O.) But where’s the fun in that? FADE OUT.
